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Best Friends Song
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Stephen Lynch
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1
Stephen: Mark has been my best friend for many years now, and I wrote a song-
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Mark: About one.
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Stephen: ...that's a lot of months. I wrote a song to celebrate what I think is our greatest asset as friends, and that's our complete and utter differences. We're total opposites when it comes to almost everything.
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Mark: Completely.
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Stephen: So I wrote a song, and we're gonna sing it for you now.
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Mark: Gay. Not gay. Just one thing. It's this shirt, isn't it? Alright, I'm the gay one.
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Stephen: Thank you! I didn't wanna out you in front of everybody.
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Mark: I like my toast buttered.
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Stephen: And I like mine dry.
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Mark: I dig the Beatles.
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Stephen: I'm a Stones kinda guy.
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Mark: I have fine taste.
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Stephen: And I like things cheap.
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Mark: I wanna stay up all night.
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Stephen: I just wanna sleep... with your sister!
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Mark: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
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Stephen: What?
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Mark: No, you just said something about you want to sleep with my-
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Mark: I like the sunshine.
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Stephen: And I wanna nail your sister.
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Mark: See there, you just said it again. I like Julia Roberts movies.
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Stephen: I just wanna F*** the S*** out of your sister!
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Stephen: Well Tyke, you would rule, if you'd say "It's cool"
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Mark: What are you talking about? It's not cool!
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Stephen: I'd go pick her up at her Jr. High School!
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Mark: Woah! Hey! That Sister? NO!
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Stephen: Yeah! I wanna F*** your sister! I just wanna F*** in her F***ing face and C** all over her hair and stick it in her eyeball and-
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Mark: Hey! No! OH MY GOD! You can't skull F*** my sister!
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Mark: Hey, hey, woah! Wait a minute!
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Stephen: What?
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Mark: Woah, goddamit!
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Stephen: What???
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Mark: You wanna F*** my sister?
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Stephen: Yes.
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Mark: You wanna F*** my SISTER?
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Stephen: Yes!
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Mark: *pause* $26.50.
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