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Worthless Recluse
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Jandek
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1
Worthless recluse
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Bang, pow, steel, muscle, k
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What worse, I'm alone
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Grown the bane of not being interested in the plate they passed to you
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All the pleasure spots in the city
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And if I walk in, my person screams
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I'm obviously out of place
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My shoes don't kick one over the other
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So much as they used to
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I'm here, God knows it
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But where are you
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The object of my satisfaction?
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But this solitude doesn't agree with anyone
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What's my name?
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Go, and be alone, and stop crying
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Well it's not any fun
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And I look at myself being busy
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And I know I'm putting something off
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What is it?
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I remember being alive
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In the cold northern cities
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I didn't need to think if I were interested
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Eight-thirty wasn't too late
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And I look at my lonely bed
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Where once in my life I shared it regular
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Oooooh, the years, and the time
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These memories that keep me going
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From one activity to another
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Well I don't know which is the real life
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What I do actively
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Or when my thoughts are lost in time
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My new house, in elegant comfort, is one thing
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But being huddled in red, blue, and orange
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Cracks in the walls, wind whistling
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I'll not ever forget
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And your face behind the flowers
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Somehow branded to my half-life
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Which may take over yet
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Consciously I play the game of making money
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Back in my brain, is the cold northern cities
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And the cold that makes me jump up and down
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I just can't seem to kill this pain today
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I can't afford to do me in
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And it makes me wonder whoever is happy in this world
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I can't see them, are they there?
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The supermarkets are always jam packed, the acceptable way
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I got a big frame, born with it, sure do need a side of beef
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42 heads of lettuce, 888 potatoes
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And all the apple pies my Mack truck can drive away with
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Cure all, better than a bandage
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Better than the blue
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Better even than TV
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Oh oh, here comes the pain
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Break out a barrel of cheese
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Yep, we got ours
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Ooh, coming on years since I met you
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Half the time I saw you
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Half the time one of your eyes looked past my shoulder
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What was there? Was it better than my eyes?
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When you let me see you
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Nothing looked better
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Even, unfortunate or not, me
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Maybe that's why now, I view myself in the dream
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And finding myself, and it hurts
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And the dream is more fun
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Anything beats the pain of being me and knowing I'm alone
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And putting off doing something, whatever it is
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I guess, something, like
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Living in northern city doorways
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Heading north, to the woods, to clean earth (?)
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Back where the police invite you to
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The back seat of their car, check you out
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Why can't I shave and do my part to build man's home?
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Where do you live, man? Do you really live here?
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Why does my dream keep forgetting that?
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Power, let's build power
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I guess it spreads the English language
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Communication, no more tribes with shrunken heads
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It's inevitable, it's my playground
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But I have to be serious
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Step into the car, mister. What are you?
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I'm a little boy, I don't wanna be big
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I'll act out my part, and lean on my half-life
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In times of trouble, or when it's just there
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What else can I do?
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Except be a man, and visit ice castle
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And live on rocks even if it is cement
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And anything's better than all this dirt and grass
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So far from the woods, give me cement and wall to wall people
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Let me know where I am
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Or show me the way to the woods
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Wearing deerskin shoes, and carrying a club
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Or walking naked on top the snow, light as the air
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Black leather head to toe
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With some place to go.
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I wanna be where no time is the wrong time
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Where everything falls in place
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Like fiber-optics, ultrasonic waves, and control systems
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Control is the name of the game
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Lord God, let me get it down
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When I get it to a fine T, it's gone
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Let it build to perfection, and stay
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Oh well, take off
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Target eternal light, all systems go. Satisfaction
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Maybe then this worthless recluse can carry a torch
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Look, I'm a human
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But I'm something supernatural
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The dream gives light
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Listen all you dead and dying
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Don't be afraid
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If it hurts, let it die
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The Easter lily blooms
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Its smell surrounds the table
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An unforgettable presence, an ominous sight
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The purple foil covers the vase pot
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Casting reflections through the diffused light
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Such beauty and awesome fragrance
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Who ever thought they could remove this sanctuary
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I don't like fighting, especially when I'm fighting me
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I'm staying up late and I don't really know why
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I hope I can live till tomorrow and the next day without eating
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I'm fed up with eating for a while
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I know it, it's only weakness
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That binds me at the supermarket counter
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Trading green paper for something to do
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Blessed are the sociable, that say stupid things
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And get close to their neighbors
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It takes a worthless recluse to shrink from groups
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It takes a half-hearted chicken recluse
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To live among people
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The best of them disappear
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And that's what it's all about
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That's why I can't make it
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I'm not strong enough to disappear
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It takes a supernatural being to disappear
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I'm not that good
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This human thing in me wants me to be a hero
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I want people to think I'm great
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I want people giving me so much money
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That I have an airplane, a boat and car and house that's everywhere
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And the network to support all this
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So where is it?
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Stuck in the dream, because I don't have the courage to disappear
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I know it's the only way to salvation, but
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The old nag human me still wants to play with money, people and things
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To make a name in the world
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Disappearing to God's eye
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And away from the eye of the world
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Is the big step
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Weaklings like me have to hang around, and play, and fudge, and delay
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For fear of the big step
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I'm just lucky I even know about it
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The only reason I do know
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Is I begged god to tell me about it
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On my knees, screaming with pain
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On the sixth floor, in New York City
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So I'm telling you about it
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Everyone doesn't have to live in northern doorways
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To take the big step
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Or go to the woods, or ice
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We all have our way to go, but everyone knows
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Now that I'm telling you
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That there is something to do
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A big step to take
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Into the eye of God
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Play human if you have to
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But at least know
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And don't kid yourself
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Behind that big piece of delicious poison
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All you dead and dying
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Disappear to your own eye
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So that you don't see yourself
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Live the half-life
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Step inside the dream
The Recluse - Cursive (lyrics)
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