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Calling Home
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Adam Sandler
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I'm okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing....
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Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM tomorrow
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morning in the main gym for us freshmen
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You playin?
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It's a co-ed game, so it's a good chance to see some hungover chicks run
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up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully have them
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back up into your morning dick wood while you D up...
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That could be nice
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You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers?
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Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell em I'm all
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situated here...
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Good deal... I'll be in the bathroom whackin it
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(phone dials and rings)
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...that's because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered
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off, hello?
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Hey mom, I'm at school, I'm all moved in, everything's great...
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Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take?
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You mean left or right or... what do you mean?
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What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet?
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There's, like, five outlets and the window's in the middle of me and
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my roommate...
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Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy or
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snort heroine?
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I didn't ask him, mom...
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Well, if he does, tell him you're not interested... Not because you're a
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nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah(?)
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Okay, ma, sounds good...
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Yeah!
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I gotta get goin, there's an orientation party that's mandatory for
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freshmen to attend...
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Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the other
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kids, you say 'hi, my name's Tyler, here's to a sweet first year at
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college!'
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Uh... okay...
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You won't, but you should
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I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom...
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You say hello! It'll take you two seconds! They're all at the dinner table
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dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler's on the phone!
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(background)
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Man: Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College!
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Woman:Who's on the phone?
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Mom:Tyler, mom!
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Other Man:Let me talk to the superstar!
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Mom: Okay, here's your brother!
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Other Man:Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how's it hangin?
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Not bad, Pete... It's pretty awesome here...
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You gettin laid yet?
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Nah, just unpacked...
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But I'm sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few asses, right?
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Nooo...
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How's the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver?
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Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn't too bad, either..
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they actually served chicken parmigian...
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Why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of
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college jugs and have them for dinner, you fuckin dickwacker?
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I'll work on that...
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DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we
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figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober, cause
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Ronnie James Dio is playin up there...
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Oh, okay...
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Tell your roommate I got his bed
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Uh, you can sleep in my bed
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That's where Fitz is sleepin, you fuckin asshole!
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Man:Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone!
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Pete:Alright, dad! Sorry I didn't go to college like Alfred Einstein here, but
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I'm a person too!
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Dad:Just give me the phone, moron... How you doin kiddo?
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Good, dad...
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You enjoyin your freedom?
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Yeah...
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Don't get anyone pregnant...
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I won't...
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Okay... here's your grandma
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Dad, I don't have time!
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Dad:Say hello, there...
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Grandma:Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop?
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Pete:No grandma, it's the pharmacy
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Grandma:Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts
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come in? Cause, like, we're talkin about they're starting to spread
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towards the anus...
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Pete:Hahahahaha!
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Grandma, it's not Dimitri, it's Tyler...
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Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren't you here? We're getting ready to eat!
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Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to school...
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Oh, how marvelous! Well, don't study too much or you'll drive yourself
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bananas! Take some time for yourself too
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Thanks, grandma, I will
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College is supposed to be fun!
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Yeah...
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I had my first gal on gal experience in college!
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Ooh...
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Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for me!
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That's nice, grandma...
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Alright, don't pierce your nipples!
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I won't...
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Pete:You didn't know grandma dyked out before, did ya?
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No, fortunately she never told me...
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Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you beat your meat!
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Thanks...
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Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello!
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(fart)
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Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef?
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Yeah, nice job...
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Four straight seconds! Let's hear you rip one that long!
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I can't...
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Damn right, you can't! Cause they don't teach that in one of your stupid
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books! You're either born with it or you're not!
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Yeah, you got the magic...
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(doorbell)
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Hold on a second, dildo, someone's at the door...
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I can't hold on, I have to go!
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Mom:Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay!
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(Door opens)
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You gotta be kidding me....
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Man:Hello, there...
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Mom:Bernie! What brings you over here?
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Bernie:I'm just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week
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Dad:That's not my drill, Bernie!
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Bernie:Well, I guess it's mine! May I eat now?
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Mom:Oh, that's why you came over...
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Bernie:Yes...
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Dad:Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair from the closet!
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Pete:Why can't grandma?
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Dad:Just do it!
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Bernie:Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how's your health?
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Grandma:My labia lips itch, but other than that, I'm fine... knock on wood!
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Dad:See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy!
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Grandma:True dat!
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(Everyone laughs)
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Hello? I have to go!!!
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Pete:Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don't crush that big hog of yours!
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Bernie:Pardon me?
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Pete:I said Tyler's on the horn from college
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Bernie:Quickly, give me the phone! (sniff) Why does this phone smell so
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bad?
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Pete:I dunno... I didn't fart in it! But I think my grandma crapped herself...
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Bernie:Oh, okay.. Tyler, it's Mr. Fetterman!
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Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin?
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Do you have a roommate, Tyler?
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Yeah, I do...
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I must speak to him immediately
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He's in the bathroom...
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Go get him and bring him to me, now!
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Okay... (knock) Hey Brandon!
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Brandon:Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your
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bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... (flush) Yeah? What's up?
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Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?
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Yeah, sure... Hello?
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Bernie: Hello to you, my friend!
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Who dis?
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The question isn't who I am, the question is who are you?
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Um... What does that mean?
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It means you can't escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn Tyler
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into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to
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your leader?
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Uh... Come again?
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What is your real name? Where do you hail from?
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Uh, Brandon Seikz, Im from Oceanside, Long Island...
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How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made
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in a factory on the planet Yumnatz!
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Really?
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I know this because I too have radar!
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I see...
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We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult... The choice
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is yours...
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Umm... I'll go with not difficult...
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Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know about the
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pidgeons, so that's not gonna work anymore! I also have buried the blender
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in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur!
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Did not say you were...
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Let's call it a truce, or let's call it the end of mankind as we know it! Either
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way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7?
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Oh, I get it... I'm on the radio!
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Then the message has been sent!
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Tyler:Just give me the phone, Brandon...
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Brandon:Nice talkin to yall!
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Bernie:Die, alien!
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Tyler:Sorry bout that, dude...
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Brandon:Not a problem!
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Tyler:Don't worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control
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I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery
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pack, that'll take him out of the game...
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Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother...
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Right... and remember, no glove no love, alright?
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Yeah, I'll remember that...
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Nancy!
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Pete:Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new
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pussy friends!
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I will...
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Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy!
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Mom:Stop cursing!
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Pete:I wasn't, mom!
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Mom:Just go play with your cock and balls...
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Pete:Right away, mom...
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Alright, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?
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Yeah, I did, mom...
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Take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see it...
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I will..
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Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to your room
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Call ya? It's probly gonna be late, ma!
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That's no problem, we'll all wait up, bye bye! (click)
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Man, my family aint easy to deal with sometimes...
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Nobodys is!
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What, your family's a little nutty also?
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Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let em know
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I'm okay...
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You got it, I'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out
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Dee Snyder...
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Good deal...(dialing and ringing)
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Gay Robot: Hello?
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Hey dad!
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Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet?
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I'm workin on it
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Well, when you do, I'll come visit so I can fuck all your new brothers!
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You're too horny, dad!
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True dat!
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Hahahahaha
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Hahahahaha
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Good times...
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Great times...
Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh | Chris Farley ...
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