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Monty Python
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Customer: (entering the bookshop) Good morning.
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Proprietor (John Cleese): Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
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C: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkan Desert with
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the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?
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P: Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir....
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C: Er, never mind, never mind. How about "A Hundred and One Ways to
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Start a Fight"?
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P: ...By?
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C: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
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P: Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir....
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C: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David
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Coperfield"?
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P: Ah, yes, Dickens.
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C: No....
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P: (pause) I beg your pardon?
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C: No, Edmund Wells.
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P: I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir....
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C: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* Ps. This is
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"David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells.
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P: "David Coperfield" with one P?
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C: Yes, I should have said.
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P: Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
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C: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books here....
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P: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield"
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with one P by Edmund Wells.
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C: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
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P: More THOROUGH?!?
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C: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copper-
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field"s...
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P: No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's.
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C: Are you quite sure?
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P: Quite.
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C: Not worth just looking?
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P: Definitely not.
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C: Oh...how 'bout "Grate Expectations"?
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P: Yes, well we have that....
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C: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells.
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P: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything
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by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular.
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C: Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
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P: (taciturn) No.
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C: "Khristmas Karol" with a K?
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P: (really quite perturbed) No....
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C: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
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P: DEFINITELY NOT.
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C: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you....
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P: Not at all....
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C: Good morning.
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P: Good morning.
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C: (turning around) Oh!
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P: (deep breath) Yesss?
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C: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"?
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P: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells!
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C: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens.
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P: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens??
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C: Yes.
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P: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"!
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C: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two Ks, the
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well-known Dutch author.
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P: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens
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with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I
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should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or
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"Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles
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Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. H. Smith's?
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C: Ah did, They sent me here.
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P: DID they.
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C: Oh, I wonder...
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P: Oh, do go on, please.
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C: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys
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Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of
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Beckles"...volume eight.
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P: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot
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of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing here...thank you,--
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C: Oh, well do, do you have-- ---
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P: No, we haven't. No, we haven't. |
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C: B-b-b-but-- |
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P: Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're |
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closing for lunch-- |
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C: Ah, I--I saw it-- |-------loud arguments
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P: I'm sorry-- |
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C: I saw it over there! I saw it... |
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P: What? What? WHAT?!? ---/
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C: I saw it over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds".
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P: (pause; trying to stay calm) "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?
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C: Yes...
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P: O-L-S-E-N?
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C: Yes....
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P: B-I-R-D-S??
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C: Yes.....
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P: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact....
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C: The expurgated version....
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P: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?
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C: The expurgated version.
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P: (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of British
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Birds"?!?!?!?!?
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C: (desperately) The one without the gannet!
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P: The one without the gannet-!!! They've ALL got the gannet!! It's a
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Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in all the books!!!
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C: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their nests.
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P: (furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any other birds you don't
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like?!
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C: I don't like the robin...
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P: (screaming) The robin! Right! The robin! (rrrip!) There you are, any
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others you don't like, any others?
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C: The nuthatch?
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P: Right! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the
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nuthatch, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! NO gannets, NO robins,
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NO nuthatches, THERE's your book!
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C: (indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn!
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P: (incoherent noise)
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C: Ah, I wonder if you have--
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P: God, ask me anything!! We got lots of books here, you know, it's a
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bookshop!!
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C: Er, how 'bout "Biggles Combs his Hair"?
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P: No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
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C: "The Gospel According to Charley Drake"?
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P: No, no, no, try me again!
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C: Ah...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
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P: No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT??????
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C: "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
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P: "Ethel the Aa--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about)
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I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo
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ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are,
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"Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying"!!!!! There's your book!!
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(throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!
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C: (quickly) I don't have enough money.
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P: (desperate) I'll take a deposit!
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C: I don't have ANY money!
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P: I'll take a check!!
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C: I don't have a checkbook!
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P: I've got a blank one!!
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C: I don't have a bank account!!
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P: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your change,
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there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book, now, now..
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C: Wait, wait, wait!
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P: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
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C: I can't read!!!
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P: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...read. (pause) RIGHT!!!
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Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably???
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Right!!! (opens book) "Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley
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one lovely morning, trottety-trottety-trottety, when she might a nice little
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quantity surveyor..." (fade out)
Galaxy Song - Monty Python's The Meaning...
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