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Cheesecake
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David Roth
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Helen Johnson made a lovely piece of cheesecake
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And the folks would come from miles around to sample her delights
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Some swore it was the cracker crust and some the sour cream
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But Helen Johnson kept her secret locked up tight
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Late one night upon returning from her shopping a the market
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Helen Johnson propped her groceries right there by the kitchen sink
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Unloaded secret cheeses in a pile there by the window
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And proceeded to sit down to have a drink
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It was just then that her next door neighbor hit his outdoor porchlight
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And through the kitchen window cast a beam across the cheeses
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Helen Johnson dropped her lemonade, for there upon the fridge door
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Was the spitting image silhouette of Jesus
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"It's a sign, have mercy on my soul, a sign" cried Helen Johnson
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"I've been waiting all my life for such a vision, such a sight"
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And with her eyes transfixed upon that white and ghostly cooling unit
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She began her lonely vigil late that night
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She awoke there in the kitchen sometime early the next morning
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Not remembering just quite what was all the bother
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But there it was again, and now this time in broadest daylight
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An authentic Sears and Roebuck Holy Father
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Soon the party lines in Chapel Grove were buzzing with excitement
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And all roads to Helen's driveway were backed up for several miles
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Opinions flew like flocks of birds in every which direction
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Some saw smudges, some saw smears, and some saw smiles
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The Governor soon arrived there with the Mayor and someone else '
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They began to theorize what they were thinkin'
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The former said the silhouette looked more like Willie Nelson
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But the latter two were leaning towards Abe Lincoln
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"It's a sign, have mercy on my soul, a sign" cried Helen Johnson
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But the minister of Chapel Grove dissented his defiance
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"It's nothing personal Helen, but the coming of the Lord" he said
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Won't be on someone's major home appliance."
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Well, the brouhaha, the hubbub, the commotion and the rumpus
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Took an awfully awfully long time to die down and go away
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But Helen was inspired, she was cranking out those cheesecakes
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'Cause she sold about two dozen that first day
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And there every day thereafter, the demand was growing higher
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Such that every home in Chapel Grove was helping with the chore
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And soon the daily count was up to seven hundred sixty nine
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So Helen opened up a cheesecake store
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Of course everyone in Chapel Grove was giving free advice now
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Telling Helen what she should or shouldn't do there on her own
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And the need to advertise got Helen Johnson thinking twice now
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So she called up Sam the Sign Man on the phone
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"I need a sign, have mercy on my soul, a sign" cried Helen Johnson
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"Can you make me up a sign that's made to order"
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Sam reflected, he was clever, once he lived in New York City, said
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"I think so, but the name it should be shorter."
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Well, to make a lengthy story brief, she did what Sam suggested
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And the net result would ultimately please here
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For where others saw confusion Helen Johnson saw her Savior
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Right there on the front door of her kitchen freezer
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"It was a sign, have mercy on my soul, a sign" reflected Helen
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Who became a wealthy person with her favorite recipe
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For Helen Johnson had the common sense to put her faith in cheeses
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And went on to change her name to
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"Sarah Lee"
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