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Kalevala
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Baba Brinkman
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1
In Kalevala the main man's name was Väinämöinen
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His fame was growing in the creation of strange noises
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He trained his voice mainly for the sake of enjoyment
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And sang poignant verses without gainful employment
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Väinämöinen could spin a phrase in a way that venerates
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The first generation of men, in a wave
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Of inspiration that creates a sense of inner faith
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In the Finnish nation in the days when this sinful age
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Of impatient whims begins to blaze like a burning house
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And just like "murder will out", his verbal clout
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Was heard about through word of mouth
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From up North down to dirty South
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Now the young Joukahainen heard of Väinämöinen's fame
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And became jealous, 'cause he was newly trained in
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The same verbal games, and really, who could blame him?
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The fire of youth burned like a blue flame in Joukahainen
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Who decided to arrange a duel to attain an
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Even greater name than Väinämöinen, who was ancient
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Joukahainen's parents rebuked and forbade him
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To leave, but their pleas didn't do much to faze him
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Joukahainen amazed them and brazenly boasted
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"I know you both say that it's crazy and hopeless
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But hey, I'm not afraid to get roasted
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In this day and age the best way to get noticed
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Is to take the most famous poet's name and expose it
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As lame; Väinämöinen's a vain, inflated vocalist
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So I'll take his inflated vocal vein and explode it
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And someday I'll be praised, celebrated and toasted"
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And without wasting a moment, Joukahainen departed
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For Kalevala, the home of Väinämöinen, his target
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And, far from feint-hearted, for three days he charted
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His way at a hard pace and came to the unguarded
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Gates of the garden of Kalevala at last
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But he wasn't paying attention to the road, and he crashed
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Into Väinämöinen, who was traveling on the same path
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Like two locomotives head to head on train tracks
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Before Joukahainen even had his strength back
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Väinämöinen blasted him and gave him flack
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And asked him for his name and to explain the crash
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And he answered plain, "I'm the young Joukahainen
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And I heard there's a vacant-headed, gum-toothed vagrant
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With a reputation here, so I've come to defame him"
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Väinämöinen remained cool in the face of these rude statements
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Like a true statesman, and smoothly replied
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"I'm in no mood to be crucified
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For the sake of stupid pride, boy, so move aside"
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But Joukahainen viewed this a shrewdly disguised
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Attempt to neutralize his youthful stride
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And he refused to buy it: "Why should I move aside?
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I suggest we duel to decide who can best utilize
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Words, with verses verbally beautified
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To decide the dispute, and let the loser move aside"
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Väinämöinen sighed, "'Verbally beautified?'
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You certain deserve to be verbally brutalized
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Since you devised this war of words
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To satisfy your thirst to divide orators
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For sport; all right, fine, you're first
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Let's see what you got"
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Joukahainen's verse went like this: "My knowledge is deep
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I polish speech to demolish the weak
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When I listen to politicians' policies I fall asleep
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All in all I'd rather follow an ecologist's lead
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And listen to the swishin' of fish in the lawless seas
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My vision is flawless, even in the bottomless breach
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I see what the walrus sees, and feed on mollusc meat
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In the halls of seaweed the narwhal acknowledges me
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I perceive the raw qualities of all I can see
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From the beak of the bald eagle at the peak of the tallest tree
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To the niche of the swallow that swallows the smallest seed
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It all follows the pull of the dog-eat-dog creed
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And if you can not compete then you're obsolete
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So why not concede defeat and leave Kalevala to me?"
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Väinämöinen scoffed, "These are all falsities
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If your 'knowledge is deep' then it's hollow indeed
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All I see is a wallow of bottomless greed
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That colours your speech like a black shadow
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As your words crash and rattle; you asked for this battle
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So get off the path if that's the last of your babble"
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But Joukahainen hadn't traveled this far to get dismissed
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And his next verse reflected his desperate recklessness
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He said, "I know you're locally respected "“ great
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But it doesn't take much to see you're just a fake
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Like snow, I'm an avalanche; you're just a flake
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You get money like a church: in a collection plate
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I'm destined to get paid, while you're destined to beg
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Like a drug-addicted veteran with a prosthetic leg
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Allow me to demonstrate why youth is better than age
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I collect wages while your memories fade
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Intellectually I gaze on unlimited space
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While you're afraid and inhibited; you live in a cave
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This place is too big for you; it's a pitiful waste
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You should just give it away and start diggin' a grave"
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In the face of this insolent rage, Väinämöinen's
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Patience and poise turned to plain annoyance
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He said, "Trust me boy, your lust for fame is poison
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What's the point of making poems when you can't enjoy them?
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And what's the point of entertaining when you've got the lame voice
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Of a teenaged boy, who came to join in
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The game just to make noise and be a pain, showing an
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Absolute disdain for the ancients, going in
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The face of their ways and the dues paid and owing them?"
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Now, Joukahainen was growing impatient and sour
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From humiliation and shame, 'cause he'd wasted his power
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And been laid naked in the space of an hour
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So he tried to save face with the grace of a coward
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"Okay, I don't have the tricks to match wits with a lord
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So I guess I'll just have to ask my fists for support
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And strike a dissonant chord with the tip of a sword!
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Besides, violence is a more difficult sport
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So keep your piss-poor lyrics 'cause now this is a war!"
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But Väinämöinen had heard this before, and in spite
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Of his magnanimous nature he couldn't stand to bite
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His tongue, or dirty his hands in a fight
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So his adrenaline ran, and he began to recite
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Lu-e-kamme kasi katehen
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Sormet sormien lomahan
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And the land was transformed; the lake covered with waves
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Rocks cut away from cliffs as they started to break
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The sound made the ground beneath shudder and shake
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And the mountains rumbled, as if under the plates
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Lay a powerful thundercloud with a stomachache
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Joukahainen was afraid and he tried to run away
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But he suddenly felt a heavy weight on his legs
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And in less than a minute a lake fit for drinking
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Became a gray swamp with dead fish in it, stinking
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And in the end when Väinämöinen was finished singing
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Joukahainen found himself stuck in it, sinking
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Then his courage began shrinking and caving in
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And he started whimpering, thinking of nothing but saving his skin
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As arrogant and brave as he'd been to begin with
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Joukahainen now found he had to placate his nemesis
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Since he was in a quick-mud pit with limited
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Options; the stuff was too thick to swim in it
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He said, "I may have been a bit of a rude bastard
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Too fast to challenge the skills of a true master
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But you have to forgive me; I was enthusiastic
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But all I wanted to do was be like you, that's it
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Please don't let drown in this nasty ooze casket!"
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And Väinämöinen laughed, "Ooh, that's too bad kid
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But you have to admit, you did ask for it
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And now you're desperate, beggin' me to set you free
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I guess my question is, what's in it for me?"
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And Joukahainen started offering up guns and tools
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Horses and mules, plots of land, money and jewels
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As his body sank deeper under the mud of the pool
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But Väinämöinen wasn't moved by these petty concessions
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'Cause he never had any use for pretty new possessions
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And Joukahainen knew he would never get assistance
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Unless he was ready to give something really precious
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As he felt the wet caresses of swamp water
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On his neck, with his last breath he made a strong offer
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He said, "My father was blessed with one daughter
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And he taught her to cook and clean and do chores
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And I promise you, if you want her, she's yours
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I'm sure she'd rather marry you than see me a corpse
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Just get me out of this horrid green porridge!"
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And Väinämöinen smiled, utterly delighted
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And recited a verse, and Joukahainen glided out of the swamp
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And alighted on the shore, and Väinämöinen warmly invited
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Him to visit, once he and the boy's sister were united
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Joukahainen returned home, ashamed and embarrassed
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And announced to his parents his sister's arranged marriage
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And his sister complained in badly-strained spirits
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Like, "Väinämöinen was old and had a strange appearance"
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But Joukahainen's mother just congratulated her
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For finding a man greater than the saps who dated her
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She said, "Väinämöinen is famous and has a way with words
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And besides, look at your father and I, we made it work"
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But Joukahainen's sister did not marry Väinämöinen
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She turned into a fish, but that's another story
Narivetta - Minnalvala Lyrical | Tovino ...
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