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Adam Kay
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1
I can't tie my laces
2
I don't play the flute
3
My car is an automatic
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I can't paint my nails
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I never applaud
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I'm not very good at Twister
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And when my laptop crashes
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I can't even press control-alt-delete
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Cos I've got one hand
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Hello can I speak to an emergency physician?
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I have here a patient in a terrible condition
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He's vomiting up blood and he'll soon need a mortician
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Haematemesis
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Bleurgh
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Look at your skin, look at its off-white hue,
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Look at your eyeballs too,
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They've gone all yellow
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You came to me, you thought you had the flu.
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I knew that wasn't true.
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You wouldn't be yellow
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We took some blood off you
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That's just a thing we do
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To folks who turn yellow
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You're yellow like the desert in damascus is
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You're yellow cos your liver has metastases
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Do you know you're really f**cked you know
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You're really f**ked you know
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I would jog and I'd start rowing,
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Every day you'd see me going to the park and to the gym
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I'd go drinking in the pub and every evening I'd go clubbing
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If I only had some limbs
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I would learn to play the trumpet
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Cos just sitting on my stump it tends to make my life quite grim
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I'm content but I'd be more so if I wasn't just a torso
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If I only had some limbs
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Oh I just sit and cry, a quadruple amputee
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I just hang around all day and watch TV
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But that's the life of quadrapleg-ics
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I'd play cards and I'd play scrabble,
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Not just spend my days imagining a life where I had shins
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Cos I've never had a date, hell I can't even masturbate
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Oh if I only had some limbs
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How can you just walk away from here?
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How rude can a doctor be?
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You're the orthopaedic registrar and we've been here since 3
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You're the only one that we've been waiting for
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So take a look at my nan
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I think she's got a broken hip
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We found her in the bathroom on the floor
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You know I think she must have slipped
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Take a look at my nan
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The casualty doctor stated
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One leg is shorter than the other
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And it's externally rotated
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Well take a look at my nan
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Don't you know how long we've waited?
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And if you can't fix her, then DNR
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And can we have her cremated?
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I'm pushing 83 and the trust are telling me to retire
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I never take a history or consent
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My post-op survival rate should be higher
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In fact it's only 6 per cent
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We work at Denmark Hill for the terminally ill patients
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But they're relatively well when they arrive
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Cos I invent my own operations
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And I'm the only one who leaves theatre alive
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We're consultants, we're consultants at King's
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We're consultants at King's
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Do you feel any better?
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Or do you feel the same?
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We've done your operation now
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And you've just yourself to blame
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Now you've got 1 lung, 1 eye,
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1 knee below your 1 thigh
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We've removed your left hand side
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And you're all right now
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I get in the way
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I don't know what to do or say
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But I go in night and day
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Vainly hoping someone will teach me
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They say not today
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Practice taking blood, okay
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Me on take (Me on take)
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Me on take (Me on take)
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Me on take
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Take me home
London Underground Song (Lyrics & Video)
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