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B. Dolan
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(b. dolan)
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I know myself,
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Even better than jesus does.
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I stole from churches.
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I owe god money.
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there was a girl with no gag reflex
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and a summer with no idea
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stealing to buy drugs with katie
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who needed her smoke so much more than the pope
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needed another painting in the vatican
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days in the warehouse waiting
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katie and the baby and katie
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on my lunch break alone
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us just wanting to be
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alone
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her nature versus nurture
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she was wild; she was like a berserker fairy
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breath sweetened with nicotine tar intention
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tension and touching behind backs, whispers
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in the house, excuses for the dark
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hands for flesh and the most realest
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despair in the
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wide
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wide universe
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her parents were always home and never around
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like her live in addict, accidental baby daddy:
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his name was adrian
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he used to stab himself in the leg with darts for attention
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one day during an argument, he backed his truck up
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down the street, then drove it at full speed into a tree in front of their house
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i used to watch it all go down and want her
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i used to feed the baby and try to come down
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i was 18, she was 17,
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i was into drugs, she was in love
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it was all
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all about me
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as always
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she heard my first slam poem.
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all summer we went to cemeteries to smoke
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that's where i learned to open the box in my throat
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sang the blues all over
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but mostly in cemeteries
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all life lived in me, i brought it to katie
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and katie brought life
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at 17.
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17.
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17.
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she loved ice coffee
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she loved me
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she loved her daughter
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she loved her stories
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she loved everything & wanted only to love
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i made her write it in a journal
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and why is it
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that when i wanted girls to inspire themselves
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and come alive and write their fire into books and bleed like this for themselves and be healed like
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i got it see? it's not hard and its good and you can do it more did you yes good why is it
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that they never did
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until i kissed them
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and then they would write things about me
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which is not what i wanted
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but was fun, and suddenly fed me
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so i forgot where i was
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which was
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in the pages
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being tattooed down
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waiting to be turned over
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making the mistake,
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feeling her in the dark, the shock of her smell
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the strength of her hold, like girls forget how to do when they get older
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17
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she had a grip like her baby.
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was she 13 or 14
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when one of the falco brothers
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laced a joint with PCP
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her and her cousin
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katie couldn't move
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while he raped her
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her cousin couldn't move
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while she watched.
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for god's sake, for the love of all time, in this life and the next, from heaven and hell
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by any power that exists, by every force of compulsion in the universe; god-FUCK
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the falco brothers, god hate them,
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and destroy them before anything like justice
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can ever exist
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the motherfuckers who gave me my first punch in the face
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who leered like the jackals of chaos over the beds of everything good
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this is human cancer, living in the shadows of a ghost town
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demanding innocence of off people like lunchmoney!
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later raped it off them! jumped it off them! stripped it off them!
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stole it from them!
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multiplied and thrived til another generation of
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sweet
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smithfield girls was gone!
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gone into the paths in the woods!
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gone into whatever trailor held the grand nightmare of life that night
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JESUS CHRIST! SMITHFIELD SCREAMS TO ME LIKE AN OPEN
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MOUTH, BLACK MUD WITH RUSTED IRON GUMS AND GRINDING GEARS FOR TEETH
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IN MY DREAMS!
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HANTON CITY THE MONSTER OF TIME!
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HEAVY FIST OF THE ALCOHOLIC DEATH-GOD
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BLOATED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY FATHER!
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STILL HOLDING HIM IN ITS JAWS!
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GRINNING LIKE A FALCO AT ALL THE BODIES IN ITS BASEMENT
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MURDER! MURDER!
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SO MANY GIRLS
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WHERE THE FUCK WERE THE PARENTS
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WAS EVERYONE INSANE?
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THE KIDS THE KIDS THE KIDS // ALL AROUND ME
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GETTING LAID TO WASTE
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JIMMY TO LONELINESS AND HIS MOTHER'S MESS
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THOMAS TO LIES AND PRESSURE
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JOHN TO SOME IDIOT CHURCH!
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JOHN TO LEUKEMIA
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DOMINIC PULLED AWAY FROM US BY DIVORCE
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MONEY AND CONTEMPT!
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MIKE, MIKE
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MIKE, WITH NO EXCUSE
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MIKE WITH NO MERCY
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MIKE MY BEST FRIEND
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MIKE TO BUTLER HOSPITAL, TO BUTLER TO BUTLER
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TO ME TO BUTLER TO PILLS.
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TO PILLS TO PILLS TO ME TO DEAD MUSICIANS
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DEAD HANDS BIG BROTHER THE SERIOUS "FUCK YOU!" FROM THE SKY
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THE INEVITIBILITY AND THE SIMPLE SURENESS THAT LIFE DOESN'T WANT YOU
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WILL BREAK YOU SOON, AND IS MUCH TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO EVEN TRY
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MIKE THE INEXPLICABLE, PERFECT AND ETERNAL
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failure.
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who lives to this day"¦ i think. i have seen him this year.
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i know that katie lives too.
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i know that rena lives with her
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i pray that adrian is gone
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and that rena was never old enough to remember him
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i know that rena was never old enough to remember me
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i hope she has seen a picture of me holding her
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i have a picture of her in my wallet
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last month, for a couple weeks i forgot the name
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of the baby in my wallet
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the babies name is rena
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i know that i will love them both until i die.
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i went back to college and dropped out
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katie went back to figuring this thing out
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but was missing me
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i forgot to miss her
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for awhile
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now things are slower
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i know katie doesn't fuck with drugs anymore
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i know i mostly don't either
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im sorry for everything
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but also not at all
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i hope all things for them
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jimmy, thomas, john & john paul
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dominic, mike,
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kate
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rena.
Kate - B. Dolan
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