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Pardoner
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Baba Brinkman
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In the days"¦
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Before violence was senseless and counterproductive
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There were three young friends, who were not to be fucked with
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Inner city thugs, what? Rough riders!
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Vancouver-after-losing-the-Stanley-Cup rioters
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Thriving on chaos, anarchistic
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Hedonistic, auto-cannibalistic
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Like a wolf lickin' a blade stuck in the ice
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Thinkin' it's gettin' a taste, life blood slippin' away
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I'm talkin' Bad Boys, throwin' dice in the ghetto
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Drinkin' liquor like it was a sacrifice to the devil
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Dancin', gamblin', gettin' money illegally
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Through nothin' but extortion and thievery
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I mean, these guys were bad-asses; women would bat lashes
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At "˜em, but mostly only for cash transactions
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Yeah, that happens; you can hate it or love it
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But if you hate it then you're probably not acquainted with thuggin'
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I'm not sayin' it's right; I'm just sayin' it's real
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If you're chasin' a thrill, it's probably makin' you feel
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Good, like takin' a pill, and these guys were thrill-seekin'
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Just three friends gettin' ill every weekend
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Now I know what you're thinking! Typical gangster rappers
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But these guys were Belgians, from medieval Flanders
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Think Boyz in the Hood; think Menace to Society
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Just, from the Middle Ages, of the Flemish variety
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That's a human universal, groups of aggressive men
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We get it from Adam and Eve, from original sin
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That's why people have these appetites, and that's why Christ
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Had to be sacrificed, because of Adam's apple bites
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Tragic, right? Jesus' body torn to pieces
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Just "˜cause Adam and Eve were so naughty
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Kayne: Jesus walks with me!
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But too much preaching will leave you actively snoring
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So I'll keep things moving and we'll go back to the story
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It starts at a tavern one morning, where those three thugs
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Were still havin' a stab at a party, three sheets drunk
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I mean, decent people were workin'; they're still out drinkin'
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Outside they heard the sound of a church bell ringing
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And saw a hearse bringin' a fresh corpse for a funeral
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The bartender saw it too, and that's when the news broke
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"It's someone you know!" The bartender told them
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"It must have been a bad batch of somethin' someone sold him
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"˜Cause yesterday he was here, just like, havin' a beer
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And death took him while he sat in his chair, fuckin' weird!
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I guess death is the only unbeatable enemy
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So we all better be ready to meet him eventually"
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The main thug took a swill of a bottle, full of bravado
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And went all Robert Rodriguez, Desperado
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Like, "That's disrespect! I'm sick of death!
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You rock a bulletproof vest, shit, he'll get you for cigarettes!
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I'm frickin' vexed! You say I'll never defeat him?
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I say let's go find him "“ fuck it "“ I'm ready to meet him!
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The violence in me, reflect the violence that surrounds me
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So I say if death wants beef, he found beef!"
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Biggie: I'd rather go toe to toe with all of y'all
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Runnin' ain't in my protocol
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I guess he thought "death" was a person, silly thug
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People get some funny ideas when they're really drunk
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The other two guys were like, "An eye for an eye
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We in this together, son, your beef is mine!"
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And that was it, three drunk angry men
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Stumbled out the door, lookin' to capture death
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But they didn't get far; they met this old guy in the forest
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Who looked like he was reppin' the dark side of the force
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On the death star, I mean bags under his bloodshot eyes
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Like Charlie Sheen after hittin' the meth hard
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Cracked skin like leather, frail and decrepit
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His whole body wrapped in dirty rags like a leper
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The old man waved and said, "Hey, what's the word?
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You guys look kinda lost "“ can I help you get somewhere?"
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The main thug answered back, like: "Don't touch me!
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You're covered in crusty scabs! It's disgusting!
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I think you'd better tell us how you're even still alive"
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And the old man replied "Hey, I'm ready to die
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I've been knockin' on heaven's door since I was seventy-five
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I guess death just isn't ready to let me inside!"
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That's when the second thug stepped in like "Shut up!
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Death is your friend and you're tryin' to protect him from us!
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I can smell a set-up, so tell us where he is!
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Either you're with us or you're with the terrorist!"
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The old man laughed, like: "What? You're lookin' for death?
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Heh heh, well then that's what you'll get
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Death is right over there, really, go see
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I just left him like two minutes ago, under that oak tree"
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The thugs ran full speed, and when they arrive
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At the tree, they just stared, with bulging eyes
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Death wasn't there, just a bag full of money
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Stacks of fifties and hundreds, and handfuls of twenties
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Suddenly lookin' for death was forgotten,
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The main thug started schemin' and plottin' and slick talkin'
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He said, "Listen, I'm a clever man, aight? I hatch plots
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And I can tell you, this much money attracts cops
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We need to get it back to a stash spot, you feelin' me?
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But transporting this, by day? Liability!
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So let's do this right y'all "“ we wait for nightfall
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And then we bring it home, and split it up with the lights off
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After that we can spend it, but for now we just chill
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So we need some booze, right? We got hours to kill
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Let's draw straws, two of us can stand guard
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And we'll send the third man off to get a bottle of cab sauv!"
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The plan sounded damn suave, the youngest
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Pulled the bad straw and ran off, and as soon as he was gone
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The main thug went on, like: "Aight, listen up
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I'm about to get you paid "“ what would you say
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If I told you we could split this up two ways,
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Are you game?" The second thug said "Okay
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But hold up, wait; what about our friend?
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What are we supposed to tell him? Know what I'm sayin'?"
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"We don't say nothin,'" said the first, "we play rough and
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Straight rush him and stick a knife in his side "“ I ain't bluffin'
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If we can bring him down, and then we'll be kingpins
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And never have to think about income again."
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The second thug shrugged, like: "An eye for an eye
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We in this together, son, your beef is mine."
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While in the meantime, the youngest was walkin' back
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Thinkin' "God damn, I want all that cash
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If I split it with those chumps, all I get is a third of it
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Nah, I'm gonna murder those two fuckin' invertebrates
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This isn't a game; this is a blood sport!"
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So first he hit the liquor store, then he hit the drugstore
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And told the pharmacist, "I got some rats in my basement
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I need some poison so I can set some traps and waste "˜em!"
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And pretty soon, he was walking back to the money tree
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With three bottles of wine, two poisoned and one clean
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And what happened next? Exactly what I said
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His two back-stabbing friends stabbed him to death
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Without a shred of remorse; the main thug said
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"Ay-yo, let's have a quick drink before we get rid of the corpse!"
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And he grabbed a bottle, and he took a long swallow
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And he passed it over to the second thug to follow
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And it was all over, they went from boastin' and braggin'
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To drinkin' rat poison cocktails, chokin' and gaggin'
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And no one was left standing "“ they all died
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Triple homicide, like a Biggie Smalls rhyme
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Three friends, lookin' for death, headstrong
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Murder one another for cash, dead wrong
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Get rich or die trying "“ ask 50, he knows
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Like several different plot-lines of Quentin Tarantino's
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Get the c-notes, the G's, yo, the Benjamins
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That street ethos you get from medieval Belgians
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See, people don't change, you're all corrupted
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Fallen, that's why y'all need spiritual sustenance
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Guidance, you know, like the kind I provide
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A ticket to heaven for $9.95
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You like sex and violence? Just buy my record
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It provides the whole essence of the bible's message
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Just like Kanye West, Jesus Walks with him
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That's a multi-platinum gangster gospel record!
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See, you feed your soul and your bank balance replenishes
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So open your wallets up for heaven's representatives!
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That's why I wrote this rap, to help you get your soul back
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In return for cold cash, so don't hold back
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Don't even hold back one cent
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That's the only way to avoid becoming part of the "one percent"
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Look, I know you're lost, and all you want is redemption
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Well you can have it, for a small cost
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By accepting a pardoner's blessing
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So step forward
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Money ready, and accept the blessing
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God told me it's my destiny to be rich
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Just like pastor Rick Warren
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Or like Deepak Chopra
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Or like that chick who wrote The Secret
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Look, you're takin' a risk either way
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Either you risk a few dollars
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Or you risk your soul
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You can't afford to risk your soul
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Just ask Pascal
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So hand your money over
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To me
Pardoner
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