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Miss Baltimore Crabs
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Various Artists
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1
VELMA
2
Front step cha cha cha
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Back step cha cha cha
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Side step front step
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Back and turn
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Oh Amber, look at this motley crew!
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This town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
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AMBER
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Oh Mother not more ancient history
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VELMA
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Oh my God
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How times have changed
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These girls must be blind or
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Completely deranged
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But time seemed to halt
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When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
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Amber! That move is far too dirty
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AMBER
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Mother, wake up from that dream of yours. This isn't 1930!
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VELMA
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You can laugh but life's a test
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Don't do this, don't do that
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Remember Mother knows best
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For the crown's in the vault
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From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
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AMBER
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These steps are perfect ammunition
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VELMA
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Let me show you how your mommy dear
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Took out the competiton
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Girls, go get 'em! Boys, let's rhumba!
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Those poor runner-ups
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Might still hold some grudges
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They padded their 'cups'
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But I screwed the judges
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Those broads thought they'd win
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If a plate they would spin
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In their dance
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Not a chance!
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Boys, put me down. Oh, good morning ladies
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Let's see what you've got.
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COUNCIL GIRLS
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Twist twist twist twist mashed potato mambo
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VELMA
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Ready? Begin, on my show you'll never find
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A thrusting hip or bump and grind
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AMBER
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What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
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VELMA
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You should have seen my bag of tricks!
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Ohh I hit the stage batons ablaze
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While belting Aida
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And preparing souffles
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But that triple sommersault
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Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
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Proceed...
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TAMMY
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Are you scared we're on live?
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TRACY
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No, I'm sure I can cope!
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AMBER
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Well, this show isn't broadcast
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In...
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COUNCIL GIRLS
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...Cinemascope
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VELMA
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I never drank one chocolate malt
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No desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
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AMBER
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This one will never get a date
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In those hand-me-down clothes
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VELMA
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Kid, she'll never get a date
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'Til daddy buys her a new nose
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I would say 'oy gevalt if I wasn't
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Miss Baltimore Crabs
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AMBER
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Do you dance like you dress?
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LINK
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Amber, there's no need to be cruel!
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VELMA
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Would you swim in an integrated pool?
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TRACY
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I sure would. I'm all for
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Integration. It's the new frontier!
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VELMA
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Not in Baltimore it isn't. And may I be frank?
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First impressions can be tough
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And when I saw you I knew it
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If your size weren't enough
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Your last answer just blew it!
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And so, my dear, so short and stout
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You'll never be "in"
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VELMA/COUNCIL KIDS
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So we're kicking you out!
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VELMA
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With your form and your face
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Awww, it isn't your fault
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You're just down with a case of "Miss...
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VELMA/COUNCIL KIDS
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...Baltimore...
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VELMA
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...Crabs!"
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You may go.
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TRACY
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Um...thank you.
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PENNY
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I think they secretly liked you.
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LITTLE INEZ
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May I please audition?
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VELMA
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Of course not,
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But you may bow and exalt!
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'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore...
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VELMA/COUNCIL KIDS
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Crabs!!!"
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COUNCIL KIDS
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Crabs, crabs, crabs!!!
Hairspray Miss Baltimore crabs (HQ)
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