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Baba Brinkman
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1
Uncle Geoffrey
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Will you tell us a bed-time story?
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Please, huh? Please?
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All right, all right, all right
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Settle down. You guys all tucked in?
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Yeah!
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Alright, check it out "“ y'all ready?
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Yeah!
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Alright, check it
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Here we go"¦
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This is the story of a rich old man, January
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He's still a bachelor at sixty, but now he plans to marry
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And he's looking for a beautiful young wife
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Which is an option for rich old geezers, sometimes
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Now, January was one of those "secularists"
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Which means he had no control over his sexual urges
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He couldn't say which was better, gettin' laid or gettin' paid
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He just knew when he was gettin' one, the other would get away
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But then he changed, whether from religious sensibility
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Or whether he just got thick-headed from senility
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I can't say, but suddenly he wanted it
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January became a dedicated monogamist
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Instead of a misogynist, treating women like objects
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It's funny how our attitudes change with our prospects
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Yeah, marriage is a beautiful thing
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Especially for those who are too old to swing
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That's when it's nice to just stay home with your wife
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Instead of chasing waterfalls, "˜cause it's cold outside
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Take my advice, all you bachelor men
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If you want love and happiness and companionship
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You need a wife, a woman who will never be impatient
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No more rejection and constant humiliation
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Or anyway, that's what January would say
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When he decided he was ready for his wedding day
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So he asked his friends to help him find somebody
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And said, "Guys, just try to make sure she's under twenty
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I want sex appeal, not a tough old cow
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I want some tender veal, instead of know-how
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I want a woman I can mould right now with my own hands
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Not a pre-fab thirty-year-old, I want some warm wax!"
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Well, soon a young girl caught his fancy
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And he said he had to have her if he wanted to be happy
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And I'll skip the details of how they got engaged
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Except just to say: rich men get the females
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The girl that he chose was named May
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A pretty eighteen-year-old with a baby face
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And when the wedding day came, the pairing was gorgeous
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They looked like Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford
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If Calista was more like Miley Cyrus' age
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Yeah, everyone agreed that the bride was a babe
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And January just watched her with lust in his eyes
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And all he really wanted was to bust in her thighs
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But first he had to get through the vows and feast
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And the speeches, while suppressing his eagerness
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But then the last guest in the villa went home
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He took his bride to bed "“ she lay as still as a stone
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As he caressed her, and said, "Sorry I have to hurt you
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But the church says sex within marriage is a virtue
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And now that we're husband and wife
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I can make tonight last as long as I like!"
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And in spite of his age, January stayed solid
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And several long hours of unpleasantness followed
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And in the morning, instead of passing out
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He just sat up in bed singing and laughing out loud
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And she just watched him, like, "Ew, he's crazy old!
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The wrinkles on his neck look like the skin of a baby mole!"
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And so on, and January singin' his verses
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With his wife lyin' next to him, thinkin' he's worthless
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So we'll just leave May in bed with her disappointment
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And I'll talk about the fly in the ointment
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January had a young assistant named Damian
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He was at the wedding, "˜cause he was one of his favorites
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But Damian couldn't even enjoy the day
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Because Damian had eyes only for May
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But he knew he couldn't tell her "˜cause his boss was jealous
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And January had sway, like the Rock-a-fellas
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So he thought to himself that the sure way to get her
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Would be to write the girl a note, oh yes, a love letter
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When he finished the note, like a sneaky sneak
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Damian hid it somewhere she would find it secretly
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And he signed his name to it; he was takin' his chances
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"˜Cause a young man's likelihood of mating advances
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By takin' risks "“ that's how human nature is
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"˜Cause the girls love a guy if he's dangerous
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And when May found the note, she read it and smiled
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"˜Cause he was kinda sweet, plus it was written with style
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And it said: "PS "“ I'm dead if you tell your husband!"
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So she ripped it into fifty little pieces and flushed it
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Well after that things changed
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Damian and May played the winking game
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But they couldn't follow through "˜cause there was a jealous guy
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In the mix "“ January kept a watchful eye
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On his chick, but the months passed by
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January was old; he was slowly going blind
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Which was increasing Damian's chance of penetration
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Thank goodness for advanced macular degeneration
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"˜Cause if January was jealous before
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Well, his blindness amplified it just a little bit more
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He was so afraid to find his wife in a tryst
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That he kept one hand at all times on her wrist
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With no exceptions, not even for toilet breaks
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While she peed, he would hover beside her like a coiled snake
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Guarding its eggs, but his problem wasn't solved
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Because her lack of freedom just increased her resolve
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And pretty soon, opportunity knocked
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"˜Cause January liked to take afternoon walks
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In his garden, holding May by the elbow
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He didn't trust her for a second on her own, hell no!
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The garden was surrounded by a wall with a locked gate
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He wanted privacy to exercise his prostate
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With May when he pleased in a grove of trees
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And a chain around his neck held the only key
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But January slept like a corpse after strolls
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So May copied the key in a warm wax mould
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While he was passed out, and then she passed it out the window
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To Damian, along with a note containing info
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On what he should do, and how long he should take
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And when he should enter the garden gate, and where he should wait
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And he obeyed, Damian did what he was told
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A guy's gotta roll with it when a woman's in control
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Of his fate, right?
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Well the very next day
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January awoke with the sun on his face
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He couldn't see it but he knew it was a beautiful day
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So he said: "Let's take a walk in the garden, May!"
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She said, "Okay," and dutifully walked beside him
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And when they passed through the gate, he locked it behind them
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And said, "Now there's no one here but you and me, woman!"
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Except, Damian was there; she could see him, but he couldn't
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He was sitting up in a tree, according to plan
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And as she walked with her husband she was holding his hand
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And saying, "Babe, I don't get it; why don't you trust me more?
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The way you treat me, you must think I'm nothing but a whore!
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You're always holding my arm; it's like you expect me
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To go fuck somebody different every second if you let me
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But we made a solemn vow to be faithful to each other
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Through the good and the bad, and to always stay together
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But for real, if you're with me every second it's no party"
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And January said: "Aw, May baby, I'm so sorry
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I wish I didn't have to watch you every second
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Like a chicken hawk "“ it's just these jealous thoughts!
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Ever since I lost my ability to see
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All I think about is other men humiliating me
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So I have to keep my property under lock and key
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And that includes you, my love, obviously
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See, I wanna set you free, but I'm afraid of human nature
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By keeping you with me I'm saving you from temptation"
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And May said, "Okay, I guess that's fair
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Ooh, look up in that tree, such delicious pears!
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Oh please let me climb up and get some for us to eat
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You can guard the base of the tree if you don't trust me"
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And he was kinda hungry, so he held the tree's base
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And said, "Okay, but don't tell me you never get free space"
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And for the precious folk, forgive my bluntness
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But Damian just lifted up her skirts and thrust in
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May and Damian, sitting in a tree
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F "“ U "“ C "“ K "“ I "“ N - G
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Like a couple of animals, with her jealous husband
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Obliviously guarding the trunk of it down below
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Now it's time for a sublime suspension
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Of disbelief, "˜cause here comes divine intervention
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The ancient Roman gods, Pluto and Persephone
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Happened to be watching from above, and they commenced a heated
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Argument about who was in the right
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The jealous old husband or the adulterous wife
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She said, "Pluto, why you gotta be so hard on us?
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Why you swear all women are so scandalous?
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I mean, just look at how he treats her; she's practically on a leash
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This guy deserves to get cheated on, honestly"
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And for his reply, Pluto quoted the poet O-vid
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And said: "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks!
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No wonder he's jealous, just look at this little slut
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She'd climb in a tree just like a monkey to get some nuts!
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In fact, fuck that; I'll give him his sight back
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And she'll get caught in the act; yeah, we'll see how she likes that!
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And I'll give all men the gift of suspicion
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Like a weapon to keep an eye on these scandalous woman!"
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And Persephone said, "Fine, if you give him his sight back
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And make men suspicious, I'll give women a gift to fight back!
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If your gift to men is to make them jealous twits
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Then my gift to women is the gift of deceptiveness
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Sweet words, deflection and flattery
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Whatever they need to keep their men from reality"
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Now isn't it strange that the gifts the gods gave
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Kinda sound like the product of an evolutionary arms race?
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So that if anyone was randomly born with an advantage
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In the battle of the sexes, then they'd leave more descendants
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On average"¦ Ah forget it, call it a divine gift
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And we'll go back to the story of January's blindness
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Which evaporated miraculously
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And he looked at his hands like, "God damn! I can see!
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I can see"¦ My wife, and she's in a tree?!?
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With a man"¦ And they're fucking in the canopy!?!"
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And May instantly climbed down
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While Damian crouched behind some branches to hide himself
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And she said: "Oh, thank god it worked!
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When I first heard about it, I thought it was the oddest cure!"
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And he said, "Cure?!? But you were bent over a branch
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With a man"¦" And she said, "No, that was an interpretive dance!"
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"There was a man, but he's gone now, see?
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Look, there's no man in the tree; it's just you and me
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And you can see! So you shouldn't be angry
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I just gave you your vision back, baby; you should thank me
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It's a new form of alternative therapy
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You do an interpretive dance with a man up in a pear tree
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And it acts as a homeopathic cure for blindness
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It's based on the latest in quantum science!"
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And he said, "But I saw your dress pulled up to your chest"
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And there was all this thrusting and exposed flesh!"
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And she said: "Look, you know how you can't trust your sight
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First thing in the morning until you adjust to the light, right?
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Well, darling, you have been utterly blind
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For months; you probably just have rusty eyes
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And besides, didn't you just say that
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You have visions in your head of being humiliated?
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So how do you know that it wasn't one of those?
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I mean, there's nothing we see that the mind doesn't control
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So there is no shame if you hallucinate
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But you have your vision back! Aw baby, that's super great!"
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And January didn't really wanna fight
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With his wife, and he was pretty happy for his sight
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So he said: "Okay, baby, maybe I was wrong"
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And he really believed it too; he wasn't just playing along
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And they headed home together, hand in hand
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The model relationship between a woman and man
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That's right fellas!
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This is a horror story!
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They were the model relationship
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Between a woman and a man!
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Nooooo!
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Good night
Baba Brinkman - Merchant's Tale
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