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Ulcerative Colitis
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Hank Green
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1
I have a complicated relationship with the distal portion
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Of my large intestine, also known as the colon
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I started feeling kinda shitty when I turned 23
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And then the pain got worse and worse every day
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And the days turned into weeks
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I finally went to see the doctor and I pooped into a cup
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And then a few weeks after that he stuck this camera up my butt
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The camera was in a tube, and the tube pumped out air
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So that my colon could inflate and they could look around in there
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When I woke up the doctor was looking at my chart
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I called his attention to me with a fifteen minute fart
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He said "Son I hate to tell you cause I know you're not gonna like this
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But they got a name for what you have and it's called ulcerative colitis
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And in those seven syllables there's a mess of shitty news
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It's likely that you've had your last healthy-feeling poos
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It's like road rash on your colon, you'll bleed and it'll hurt
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And no one knows what causes it and there is no cure
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And yeah your chances of cancer have gone up a bit
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But colon cancer's curable if you keep your eye on it
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But mostly what will piss you off is how you're gonna pay
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I know you're not insured and you'll probably stay that way
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See insurance companies hate to deal with sick folks like you
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They don't like taking money from folks they might have to give it back to
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And your pills are gonna cost you both your arms and at least one leg
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I suggest you go to Canada and get on your knees and beg
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Because here the costs are as high as the market can bear
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And they can bear a lot compared with soiled underwear"
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I laid there on that bed and thought how I used to like to poo
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I thought maybe there was a mistake, how could this be true
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I asked the doctor, pleading, begging if he was really sure
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And if he was how could it be that there really was no cure
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"The only cure we have," he said, "is to take the whole thing out
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And then to get your movements out we install a little spout"
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I told him that I'd rather take a thousand thousand dollar pills
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He agreed and sent me home with some similar sounding bills
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Now really all I've learned, besides the importance of fiber
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Is the health care system's more screwed up than a fifty year old Fred subscriber
Strange Charm: A Song about Quarks
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