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The Goat
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Adam Sandler
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1
ADAM: I am a simple goat.
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I live on the back of a pick-up truck.
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The Old Man tied me here with a 3 ft. rope.
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Am I happy?
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He don't give a fuck.
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OLD MAN: Hey goat!
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I'm gonna beat your head in with the hickory stick!
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ADAM: Sometimes he uses his fists-a.
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He's filled with anger and filled with rage,
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And tells me I smell like piss-a.
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His drink, Jimmy Beam.
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His chaser, a beer.
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After that, various alchohols.
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That's when the beatings get so severe,
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I sleep,
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I pray he falls.
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But don't feel sorry for me.
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Things weren't always this bad.
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Why when I was a young talking goat,
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The Old Man was just like my dad.
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I come from the hills of Europe.
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That's where I met the Old Man.
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He was lost in the woods,
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I gave him directions,
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He gave me a tuna can.
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Then he stopped in his tracks and he said,
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OLD MAN: Hey goat!
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ADAM: Would you like to live with me?
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I got a house with a pick-up truck
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In a place across D.C.-a.
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I said, "sure why not? I got no family. You seem like a nice guy."
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So we went off to America,
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The home of apple pie.
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On the boat the Old Man told me,
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I would be a present for his wife.
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"A talking goat," he exclaimed,
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"She's never seen this in her life!"
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I felt so special.
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Well, I just couldn't believe it,
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After all these years,
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I finally had a friend.
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He trimmed my beard,
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He scraped my hooves,
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I prayed it would never end.
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But when we got to his house,
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There was no wife.
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Only a short, short letter.
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It said : I'm leaving you for your brother
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Because he fucks me better.
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His eyes filled with tears of sadness.
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His heart was filled with grief.
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To suit himself he drank a pint of Old Grandad,
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And beat me like a side of beef.
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I screamed, "send me back to the hills of Europe!"
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He just shook his head and said,
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OLD MAN: Nope!
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ADAM: No one will ever leave me again,
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To make sure,
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Put on the 3 ft. fucking rope-a.
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Present-day I've been on the truck for 51 years.
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My only friend is the A.M. radio.
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Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by,
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But it's always rocks and beer bottles that they throw.
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At first they're excited to see a talking goat,
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They gather 'round to hear what I have to say.
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But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long,
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So they leave and giggle,
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I need a bidet.
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But you know there was a night
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That I did get off the truck,
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When the Old Man was passed out drunk.
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Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock and roll concert.
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The kind of music?
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Old school funk.
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It was the first time I'd been off the truck,
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The music made me lose control.
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The lead singer asked if we were having fun,
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I said, "fucking crank that rock and roll-a!"
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The women at the show were beautiful,
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As they danced sexily on the soft grass.
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One of them even petted my fur.
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Fuck me in the goat ass!
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Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
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And threw me in the mosh pit-a.
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They passed me around and treated me nice
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Til I nervously sprayed them with shit-a.
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Then the music stopped.
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And everything was quiet.
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And all the rock and rollers started a
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Fucking goat riot.
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ROCK AND ROLLERS: Kill the goat!
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Kill the goat!
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Kill the goat!
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Kill the goat!
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ADAM: They chased me under the bleachers.
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They chased me onto the street-a.
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They chased me into an alley and said I was dead fucking goat meat-a.
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But then I saw a sight,
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That I'd never thought I'd see.
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The Old Man swinging his hickory stick,
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But he wasn't swinging at me.
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OLD MAN: Fuck you pot smoking turkeys!
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Don't you press your luck!
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ADAM: The long-hairs ran away screaming
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As I scrambled onto the truck-a.
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When we got home the Old Man said, "goat you broke the sacred law."
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ADAM: No!
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Please!
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Sorry!
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Shit!
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"I'll let it go this time,
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But if you leave again,
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I'll break your fucking jaw."
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Super!
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Great!
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Okay!
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Thank you Old Man for saving my life.
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Thank you again and again.
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You could have let them barbeque me,
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But you acted like a friend.
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"I'm not your friend.
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I don't even like you.
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I'm just not drunk," he said.
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To prove his point,
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He drank a bottle of grain alcohol,
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And beat the fucking shit out of my head.
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Ow! Ow! Ow! You're hurting me Old Man.
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That night I suffered a concussion,
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Deep inside my goat brain.
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I still cannot feel my tailbone.
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And I'll probably will never walk straight again.
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I guess you'd call me,
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Escape goat.
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A punching bag for the Old Man to mock.
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Just because his wife left him,
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For his brother's abnormaly large cock.
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He could've been my buddy.
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But instead he's a crazy old fuck.
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And once again I go to sleep,
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In my eternal home.......
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The back of the pick-up truck.
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Good night Old Man!
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OLD MAN: Yeah, good night goat!
Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh | Chris Farley ...
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