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The Goat Song
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Adam Sandler
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1
I am a simple goat, I live on the back of a pick-up truck
2
The old man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
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Am I happy he don't give a fuck
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Hey goat, I'm gonna beat your head in with a hickory stick
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Sometimes he uses his fists
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He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
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And tells me I smell like piss
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His drink, Jimmy Bean, his chaser, a bear
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After that, various alcohols
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That's when the beatings get so severe
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Asleep I pray he falls
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But don't feel sorry for me
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Things weren't always this bad
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Why, when I was a young talking goat
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The old man was just like my dad
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I come from the hills of Europe
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That's where I met the old man
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He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
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He gave me a tuna can
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Then he stopped in his tracks and he said, "Hey goat
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Would you like to live with me?
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I've got a house with a pick-up truck
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In a place across the sea"
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I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
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You seem like a nice guy"
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So we went off to America
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The home of the apple pie
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On the boat, the old man told me
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I would be a present for his wife
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A talking goat, he exclaimed
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She'd never seen this in her life, I felt so special
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Well, I just couldn't believe it
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After all these years I finally had a friend
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He trimmed my beard, he scraped my hooves
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I prayed it would never end
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But when we got to his house, there was no wife
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Only a short, short letter
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It said, "I'm leaving you for your brother
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Because he fucks me better"
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His eyes filled with tears of sadness
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His heart was filled with grief
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To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
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And beat me like a side of beef
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I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe"
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He just shook his head and said, "Nope"
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No one will ever leave me again
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To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope
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Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
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My only friend is the am radio
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Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
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But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw
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At first they're excited to see a talking goat
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They gather around to hear what I have to say
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But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long
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So they leave and giggle I need a bidet
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But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
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When the old man was passed out drunk
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Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock '' roll concert
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The kind of music, old-school funk
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It was the first time I got off the truck the music made me lose control
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The lead singer asked if we were having fun
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I said, "Fucking crank that rock '' roll"
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The women at the show were beautiful
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As they danced sexily on the soft grass
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One of them even petted my fur, fuck me in the goat-ass
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Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
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And threw me in the mosh pit
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They passed me around and treated me nice
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Till I nervously sprayed them with shit
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Then the music stopped and everything was quite
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And all the rock '' rollers started a fucking goat-riot
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Kill the goat, kill the goat
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Kill the goat, kill the goat
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They chased me under the bleachers
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They chased me onto the street
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They chased me into an alley
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And said, "I was a dead fucking goat meat"
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But then I saw a sight that I never thought I'd see
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The old man swinging his hickory stick
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But he wasn't swinging at me
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"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys don't you press your luck"
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The long hairs ran away screaming as I scrambled onto the truck
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When we got home, the old man said, "Goat, you broke the sacred law"
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No, please, sorry, shit
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I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again I'll break your fucking jaw
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Super, great, okay
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Thank you old man, for saving my life
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Thank you again and again
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You could have let them barbecue me
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But you acted like a friend
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"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you I'm just not drunk," he said
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To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
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And beat the fucking shit out of my head
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Ow, ow, you're hurting me old man
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That night I served a concussion
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Deep inside my goat brain
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I still cannot feel my tail bone
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And I'll probably never walk straight again, yeah
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I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
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A punching bag for the old man to mock
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Just because his wife left him
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For his brother's abnormally large cock
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He could have been my buddy
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But instead he's a crazy old fuck
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And once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
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The back of the pick-up truck
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Goodnight, old man
108
Yeah, goodnight goat
Adam Sandler - At a Medium Pace
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