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Crocodile
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Monty Python
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(Background music: Sportscast intro)
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Newscaster: And right now it's time for athletics, and over to Brian
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Goebells in Paris.
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Goebells: Hello, well you join us here in Paris just a few minutes before the
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start of today's big event: the final of the Men's-Being-Eaten-
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By-A-Crocodile event. I'm standing now by the crocodile pit where-
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AAAAAAHHHHH!
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(FX: Crocodiles eating, French exclamations and sirens)
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Newscaster: Ah. Well I'm afraid that we've lost Brian. While they're sorting
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that out, we have a report from Barry Loathesome in Loughborough on
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the British preparations for this most important event.
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Loathesome: Here at Lughtborrow are the five young men chosen last week to be
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eaten by a crocodile for Britain this summer. Obviously, the most
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important part of the event is the opening 60 yard sprint towards
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the crocs. And twenty-two year old Nottingham schoolteacher Gavin
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Watterlow is rated by some not only the fastest but also the
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tastiest British morsel since Barry Gordon got a bronze at
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Helsinki. In charge of the team is Sergeant Major Harold Duke.
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Duke: Aww, well, you not only got to get in that pit first, you gotta
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get EATEN first. When you land in front of your croc, and 'e opens
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his mouth, I wanna see you right in there. Rub your 'ead up
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against 'is taste buds. And when those teeth bite into your flesh,
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use the perches to thrust yourself DOWN his throat...
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Loathesome: Duke's trained with every British team since 1928, and it's his
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blend of gymnastic knowhow, reptilian expertise and culinary skill
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that's turned many an un-appetizing novice into a crocodilic
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banquet.
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Duke: Well, our chefs have been experimenting for many years to find
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a sauce most likely to tempt the crocodile. In the past, we've
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concentrated on a fish based sauce, but this year, we are reverting
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to a simple bernaise.
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Loathesome: The British team are worried because Olympic regulations allow
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only the competitor's heads to be sauced. Gavin Morolowe...
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Morolowe: Yes, well, I mean, (clears throat) you know, four years ago,
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everyone knew the Italians were coating the insides of their legs
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with bolognaise, the Russians have been marinating themselves, One
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of the Germans, Biolek, was caught actually putting, uh, remolarde
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down his shorts. And the Finns were using tomato flavoured running
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shoes. Uh, I think there should either be unrestricted garnishing,
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or a single, Olympic standard mayonnaise.
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Loathesome: Gavin, does it ever worry you that you're actually going to be
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chewed up by a bloody great crocodile.
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Morolowe: The only thing that worries me, Jim, is being the first one down
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that gullet.
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Loathesome: Well, the way things are going here at Loughborough, it looks as
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though Britan could easily pick up a place in the first seven
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hundred. But nothing's predictable in this tough, harsh, highly
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competitive world where today's champion is tomorrow's crocodile
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shit. And back to you, in the studio, Norman.
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