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Monty Python
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Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah, welcome to
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Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver,
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Vendetta and Prang!
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Mr. Simpson: Thank you.
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Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet...
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Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do.
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Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it?
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S: No.
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W: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
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S: String.
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W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell *anything*.
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S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two
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thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I
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advertised it--
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W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there.
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S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and
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twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very
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useful.
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W: Well, that's our selling point!
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"SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!"
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S: What?
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W: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR
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STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!"
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S: For what?
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W: "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!"
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S: Such as?
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W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh,
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destroying household pests...
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S: Destroying household pests?! How?
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W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if
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they're smaller than, you flog them to death with it!
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S: Well *surely*!....
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W: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED,
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RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR
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STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!"
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S: 'Ospitals!?!?!?!!?
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W: Have you ever in a Hospital where they didn't have string?
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S: No, but it's only *string*!
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W: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's...it's waterproof!
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S: No it isn't!
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W: All right, it's water resistant then!
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S: It isn't!
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W: All right, it's water absorbent! It's...Super Absorbent String!
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"ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX
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STRINGETTES! AWAY WITH FLOODS!"
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S: You just said it was waterproof!
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W: "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY TIDAL WAVES! USE SIMPSON'S
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INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!"
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S: You're mad!
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W: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex, must get sex into it. Wait,
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I see a television commercial-
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There's this nude woman in a bath holding a bit of your string. That's
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great, great, but we need a doctor, got to have a medical opinion.
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There's a nude woman in a bath with a doctor--that's too sexy. Put an
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archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse off it. Now, we
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need children and animals.
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There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop
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who's blessing the string. Uhh...international flavor's missing...make the
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archbishop Greek Orthodox. Why not Archbishop Macarios? No, no, he's
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dead... nevermind, we'll get his brother, it'll be cheaper... So, there's
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this nude woman....
Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright...
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