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Handsome Boy Modeling School
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1
(Featuring Father Guido Sarducci)
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Yeah but sometimes, you see, it's not that easy, you know what I mean?
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Not all the cupcakes and Jesus juice like you might assume.
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Yeah a lot of times, I'll admit it, it's not easy being handsome
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Being a model, being a graduate even of the Handsome Boy Modeling School.
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Cause they"¦ they pick on you, they make you"¦ you know... say, "You gotta go on the runway."
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Then two minutes later, you have to change and go again.
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And the restroom is full, yeah, but they, you know you have"¦
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Can't get into the restrooms then they say, "You walk so slow this time, you, steps, uh, too tiny."
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This what they say, "Tiny steps."
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Well yes, tiny steps, you eh walk with your legs crossed together tiny steps if you couldn't get into the restroom!
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What do you want, you know? I said, "Let me go in last."
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If, for instance, there is some, eh, problem, you know, on the stage,
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If"¦ if there is"¦ no"¦ no one will slip on it, is what I'm saying, you know what I mean?
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So let me go on last. They says, "No, you have to...
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Mr. Zack has to go on last to take the big bow," you know, like he did something
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You know what I mean? He stole everybody else's clothes designs.
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What? He takes the bow, he slips, it's not my fault, it"¦
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It was so crowded they couldn't get into the men's room and I should get paid, it's all I know.
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Since I've graduated, I uh"¦ I got to say uh"¦ I will say nine out of ten jobs.
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Just"¦ just, you know, just marvelous, everybody so nice to you.
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They.. they can't treat you better but every once a while you run into, like, this jerk, you know, like Mr. Zack.
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You know, and he slips on the runway and says it's all my fault
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When you can't even get into the restroom cause there's too many people lined up and they say, "You're on the runway next."
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Yeah, sometimes it gets to be a little lonely, alone in the hotel room when you just waiting for a show to come up.
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They, they pick you up at the airport and then they say,
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"Just see you in the morning." Then they don't even make no plans for you to go some place.
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And you gotta go there and there's so many people.
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They give you clothes, half the time they don't even fit.
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And then, it's just all the jealousy cause, you know, if you're handsome and that and other ones, they...
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They treat you, you know, somehow like they jealous of you.
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Just cause, you know, you're a little more handsome then them.
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And then they... they eat all of the food.
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They eat, there's no food left, you know.
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They say, "Jesus juice." Very funny. You know, they have the Jesus juice.
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It's a terrible wine. They just call it to make it glamorous or something.
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And the food stinks. Usually, this"¦ this junk, you know?
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Even"¦ even if you like to eat, you couldn't eat it.
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Then they said they gonna pick you up to take you back to the airport.
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They don't even show, they have"¦ they"¦ they"¦ they"¦ said, they, you know,
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"The hotel's got the van, you could go." They said they would pick me up.
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Why do I have the van? And they don't reimburse you, like they say.
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They say, "Well you ate so much." You know, I don't know.
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I like to"¦ and then the catalogs"¦ they don't even send it to you when you done with them.
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You know, like who wants me anyway. What?
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They say they gonna have a hair stylist there, there ain't no hair stylist, you know?
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One, maybe, yes, for what, 50 people, you know what I mean? "You gotta bring your own scissors too," They say.
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They have"¦ they misplaced my scissors. What? Whoever heard of a hair stylist has no scissors?
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They say, "We just style it, we don't cut it." What? In Italy, they have to cut, you know what I mean?
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A barber is a what, a hair stylist, it means barber. No, what, you mean, no"¦ cut?
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My own mousse? What? Think I have my own mousse? I have no mousse.
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Sometimes, like, if you"¦ if you wet and then you socks get wet.
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Then you have no other socks with you, you know what I mean?
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Turn them inside out? No, doesn't work. They say, "Change your socks," they say.
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Yes, the one for two dollar one? What? I have no, deh, in the hotel room.
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It's fifty miles from here out near the boondocks.
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And they put you next to a place near Sears, I go to Sears for breakfast.
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You know, once I was a model for socks.
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And I thought, you know, this is a good, eh"¦ modeling for socks"¦ it's good.
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You don't have to, you know eh"¦ get all cleaned up the night before, you know.
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That's one good thing. You know, you could go unshaved and that.
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Then they says, "Well, you can't do shoes." I say, "What?"
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They say, "No, if you"¦ if you did socks, then you can't be model for shoes.
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That's the rules." Who says this? Who makes these things up?
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That if you're a sock model, you can't do shoes.
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You have to"¦ only the shoe models can do shoes. This is just makes me sick.
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I just"¦ I just turned down a job. They said they were looking for a handkerchief model.
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I say, "I could do it." They says, "What, you left handed or right handed?" I says, "Right handed."
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They says, "No, you have to be left handed." I said I could do it. They says, "No, you says you was right handed."
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I says, "I made a mistake. I'm left handed." They says, "Prove it." How am I gonna prove this, you know what I mean?
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So I take my handkerchief off from my left hand, right? They said, "You didn't do that very smooth."
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I say, "OK, lemme try again." They say, "Why do you have to try again? You left handed, you do it."
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I said, "Just shut up and gimme the uh"¦ the Kleenex. Let me show you with Kleenex.
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I won't ruin another one of my hankies."
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Anyway, I'm just"¦ I don't know what that did.
The Truth
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