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Campaign Speech
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Eminem
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1
Jumped out of the 2nd floor of a record store
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With a Treacherous Four cassette and a cassette recorder
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In Ecuador with Edward Norton
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Witness the metamorphosis
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Of a legend growin' like an expert swordsman
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From the Hessian war and
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Hence the origin of the Headless Horseman
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Born with the endorphins of a pathetic orphan
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Endless source and reservoir
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Of extension cords in dresser drawers
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And deadbolts on the bedroom doors
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And sexual torture kits kept in a separate storage bin
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Excellent boyfriend
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Use intercourse to settle scores
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With women who have been vendettas towards men
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Dickhead is forced in 'til there's shredded foreskin
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Reddish torn and they're only bein' fed a portion
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Bed sores and sore shins
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Pregnant whores can get abortions
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Fetish for stickin' metal forks in, self-absorption
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Skeletor, I went to Hell and fell a floor
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A predator, I'm headed for competitors
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Better warn 'em, what I lack in tact and a set of morals
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I make up for in metaphors like a cosmetic store
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Stegosaurus, Chuck Norris with a thesaurus
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Yes, of course, a mess of warrants
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You want some? Come and get some, boys!
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I'm givin' Daniel Pantaleo a refresher course
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On excessive force and pressure points
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And dressin' George Zimmerman in a fluorescent orange
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Dress and four inch heels to address the court
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With a bullseye on his back, his whole chest and torso
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Or left on the doorsteps of Trayvon's dad as a present for him
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In my present form I'm Desert Storm
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Appetite for destruction there's no suppressant for
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Aggressive, forceful, and less remorseful in every morsel
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Unpleasant, horrible; hello, gorgeous!
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The rebel with devil horns just fell off the yellow short bus
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Met a contortionist, said, "When you wanna get sexual?"
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She said, "However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible."
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Expired tags on the Saturn, got Catherine Bach
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In the back in Daisy Dukes with the hazards on
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At a traffic stop gettin' harassed, sign an autograph
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For this asshole cop's daughter
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Laugh 'cause I called her a brat on it
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He spat on it and brought it back lookin' half in shock
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Had a heart attack and dropped dead
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Started fallin' back with it
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And got slapped with a Colin Kaepernick practice sock
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One ball and half a dick, Apple Watch
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Crack front axle, walked in a Bass Pro Shop with David Hasselhoff, pulled Tabasco sauce out of my satchel
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Knocked over a fisherman's tackle box and *crash sound*
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Asked if they had a laughin' stock
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That was fuckin' stupid"¦
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You got it twisted, all 'cause I offered this bitch
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A doggie biscuit, you call me misogynistic
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Bitch, get to massagin' this dick!
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Like spas in this bitch, slob on it with gobs of lipstick
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Got a shoppin' list for you to run some odds and ends with
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It's not a bitch on this earth I can be monogamous with
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She's non-existent
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Robin Thicke with a throbbin' dick on some suave and slick shit
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But I shout derogatives at bitches like fuckin' missile launches
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Misfit, blond and nitwit
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Like I've gone ballistic, with a frostin' tip kit
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Screamed, "I hate blondes," and became one, I'm optimistic
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Love to start shit
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Shovin' Clark Kent's undergarments in the glove compartment
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Of the bucket, bumpin' Bubba Sparxxx
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I'm double parkin' up at Targets, trouble 'causer, a double crosser
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Shadiest mothafucka you'll ever come across
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Olympic gymnast, been known for some assaults
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A couple lawsuits, enough to cause a stomach ulcer
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Same damn brain scan results as Rainman's is
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Something's off, but when Dustin Hoffman's
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Dressin' up in your mummy costume
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On stage dancin' to "Brain Damage," what's the problem?
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Nothing's wrong, the name brand is back to reclaim status
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Run the faucet, I'ma dunk
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A bunch of Trump supporters underwater
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Snuck up on 'em in Ray Bans in a gray van with a spray tan
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It's a wrap, like an Ace bandage
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Don't-give-a-fuck persona, to my last DNA strand
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E&J in the waistband, at the VMAs with the stagehand
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She wants kielbasa, pre-arrange an escape plan
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Three-inch blade on point, like a See-and-Say
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Consider me a dangerous man
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But you should be afraid of this dang candidate
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You say Trump don't kiss ass like a puppet
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'Cause he runs his campaign with his own cash for the fundin'
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And that's what you wanted
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A fuckin' loose cannon who's blunt with his hand on the button
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Who doesn't have to answer to no one"”great idea!
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If I was president
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Gettin' off is the first order of business
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Once I get in office
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Second thing that'll make me happy's walkin' up to Uncle Sam
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Naked, laughin', dick cupped in hand
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Screamin', "Fuck safe sex!"
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Throw a latex and an AIDS test at him
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Tell Congress I run this land
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And I want the rubber banned, and make it snappy
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Addiction to friction and static
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Addict who can't escape the habit
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Continue to chase the dragon
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But as fate would have it, I walked up in major Magics
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Dressed as the maintenance man
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In a laser tag vest and a racin' jacket
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With a gauge to blast it
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And sped away in the station wagon
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Stacey Dash's and Casey Anthony's
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Crazy asses in the backseat
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Throwin' Stayfree pads at me
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Dead passenger in the passenger seat
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Unfasten the safety latches
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And slam on the brakes in traffic so hard
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I snapped the relocation brackets for the monster tires
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'Finna get a murder case and catch it
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Like you threw it at me encased in plastic
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And send Dylan Roof through the windshield of the Benz
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Until he spins like a pinwheel and begins feelin'...
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Like a windmiller with a thin build while his skin's peelin'
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And skids 'til he hits a cement pillar
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Swing for the fence like Prince Fielder
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Knock it into the upper peninsula
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You wanna go against 'zilla? The Rap God
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When will I quit? Never been realer
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The in-stiller of fear, not even a scintilla of doubt
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Whose pens iller than Prince in a chinchilla
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Or Ben Stiller in a suspense thriller
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Revenge killer, avenge syllable binge
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Fill a syringe, 'til I
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Draw first blood
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Even pop shit on my pop shit, and it's popular
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Couldn't be more awkwarder
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Cause you're innocence I robbed you of
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It's my fingers that got stuck up
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Taught ya ta, not give a
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Slapstick, hockey puck
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The broad hunter with the sawed off
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Like an arm when it's lopped off of ya
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But I'm not gonna, get the shotgun
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Or the Glock, I'm gonna opt for the ox
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Cause I'm into objects that are sharp when I shop
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And it's not a shock, I'm such an obnoxious fucker
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The Rock Hudson of rock 'cause who would have thought
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This much of a cocksucker to go across the buttocks of Vivica Fox with a box cutter
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That was for 50, little slap on the wrist be warned
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I'm unrevealin' quickly
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My squabbles, I'm grappling with your time traveling with me
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Try and follow, as I wobble, relapse into history, with a flask of the whiskey
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Tip it back then I'm twisting wine bottles
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Like what happened to Chris Reeves' spine column
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That's the plan of attack when I'm fixing my problems
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Wish my chest wasn't having to get these rhymes off 'em
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But the fact that I have so many rappers against me mind boggles
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And why I haven't come back on these faggots who diss me is
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More of a spectacular mystery than a fucking Agatha Christie crime novel
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But my patience is wearing thin
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Swear I been contemplatin' rubbing shit in your face 'til I smear it in
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Diss you in every lyric until you fear the pen
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And never appear again
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If you actually had fuckin' careers to end
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But then I think of Molly Qerim and I steer 'em in that direction and forget my ideas for them
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Molly, I'm gone off you
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Man, light some kush
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You're my first take, I'll nail you
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Can't lie, I gush
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If I won you over, you would be the grand prize
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I'm entranced by your looks, come and give the Shady franchise a push
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You can get it in the can like some Anheuser Busch
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Jeans too small, least three pant sizes tush
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Mushed against your damn side, your puss
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And thighs are squished
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What kind of attires that?
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I'm ready to be rode
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Psychopath, bet you we'll get it poppin' like a flat
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Light the match to ignite the wrath
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Got knives to slash and slice hermaphrodites in half
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Piper Chapmans might just have to picket me
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Like a scab
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Hard to describe in fact
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Startling violent perhaps
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Are things that come to mind as soon as I start spitting rhymes like that
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And you aren't really surprised at that
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But as far as these lines I rap
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And these bars, wouldn't dial it back if I star 69ed the track
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Why am I such a dick?
Eminem - Campaign Speech (MUSIC VIDEO)
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