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PC Halloween
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Devo Spice
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1
My home owner's association sent us a letter
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To say they had a way of making Halloween better
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And safer and more fun for everyone involved
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And completely non-offensive, it makes sense, problem solved
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I didn't know there was a problem, but OK
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And this probably won't affect my plans in any way
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So let's see what they say, I read a little more
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And saw my kids could only trick or treat from three o'clock to four
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Decoration limit, two pumpkins per yard
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And knives are dangerous, so they can't be carved
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And no devils, or anything satanic or morose
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And even nothing made of satin 'cause it sounds too close
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To make sure nobody gets offended or upset
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We've got some guidelines here for what costumes you can get
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No witches, they promote witchcraft, as does
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Harry Potter, Bewitched, and The Wizard of Oz
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No aliens, monsters, mutants, or cannibals
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And werewolves promote cruelty to animals
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Vampires might make a kid too scared
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And zombies are offensive to the living impaired
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No Freddy, no Jason, in fact they can't be
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Characters from films they aren't old enough to see
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No commercial characters like Spongebob or Superman
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And no ghosts, the sheets look too much like the Klan
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Figure skaters show way too much skin
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And Dora The Explorer's an illegal alien
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OK, so how about a duck?! Anyone have a problem
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With my kid dressing up like a duck?! HUH?!
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We can't give out candy 'cause it makes the kids fat
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Just stickers and fruit and maybe that granola crap
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I was stunned, is this really how they want it run?
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It's politically correct and not a damn bit of fun
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[howl]... : I'm sorry we can't allow that sound effect because it's too scary and might be upsetting to some of our younger listeners.
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[evil laugh]... : No, I'm sorry, the evil laughter perpetuates the stereotype of the mad scientist.
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[girl screams]... : Oh now that's just sexist! Why does the victim always have to be female?
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Surprisingly with all the things it said we couldn't do
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The letter didn't say a word about bags of flaming poo
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So guess what I got planned, and I hope they understand
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'Cause I'm throwing my own party and it will get out of hand
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No one will be allowed in, unless
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They are wearing a costume guaranteed to offend
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Maybe something like a walking pair of breast implants
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Or a priest with an altar boy hanging from his pants
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People showed up and I was very impressed
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With my guests and how they decided to dress
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There's Jess, she came as a messed up slut
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And there's George Lucas with a light saber up his butt
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And there's the most evil creature they say
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A lawyer for the RIAA
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And I dressed up like the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee
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What? That little bugger scares the crap out of me
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[Frankenstein growl]... : Now do you really think a reanimated corpse is suitable for children?
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[owl sound]... : OK, that's better, but can you try something a little friendlier?
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[puppies yipping]... : Yeah, that's perfect! Now you've got it!
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Shoebox: Did you guys see Devo Spice's party!?
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Luke: Yeah, it was awesome! I went as a sodomi...
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Tom S: It was disgraceful, and completely against the rules!
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Luke: Er, yeah, it was...(sheepishly) awful.
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Shoebox: Next year we're gonna have to just ban Halloween for good and go right to Christma... er, Channuk... Kwan.. uh... you know, THAT time of year.
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Tom S: That sounds like a good idea. But how do we do it?
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Shoebox: Simple. We allow the residents to hang up their Holiday decorations at the beginning of October.
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(Tom S and Luke agree)
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Shoebox: OK, moving on. Unit number 47's front door is off-white, not white. This is against the rules. I vote we fine them $500 per day until they get it replaced. All in favor?
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Luke and Tom: Aye!
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Shoebox: Great. Now, the tree in front of unit 23 started changing colors 4 days before the rest of the trees in the neighborhood. This flagrant disregard for the rules can not go unpunished. I move that we make them tear it down and replace it with another tree that is on the proper fall foliage schedule. All in favor?
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Luke and Tom: Aye!
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