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The Cheese Shop
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Monty Python
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1
Good Morning
2
Morning, sir
3
Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium
4
Ah, thank you, my good man
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What can I do for you, sir?
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Well, I was sitting in the public library
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On Thurmon Street just now
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Skimming through Rogue Herry's by Hugh Walpole
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And I suddenly came over all peckish
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Peckish, sir?
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Esuriant
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Eh
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'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike
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Ah, hungry
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In a nutshell, and I thought
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To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick
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So I curtailed my Walloping activities
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Sallied forth and infiltrated your place
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Of purveyance to negotiate the vending
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Of some cheesy comestibles
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Come again
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I want to buy some cheese
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Oh, I thought you were complaining
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About the bouzouki player
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Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights
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In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse
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Sorry?
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'Ooh, ah like a nice tune, 'yer forced too
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So he can go on playing, can he
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Most certainly, now then
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Some cheese please, my good man
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Certainly, sir, what would you like?
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Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?
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I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir
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Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
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I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week
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Sir, we get it fresh on Monday
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Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman
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Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please
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Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks
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Was expecting it this morning
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T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese?
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Sorry, sir
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Red Windsor?
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Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down
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Ah, Stilton?
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Sorry
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Ementhal, Gruyere?
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No
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Any Norwegian Jarlsberg, per chance?
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No
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Lepta?
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No
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Lancaster?
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No
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White Stilton?
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No
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Danish Brew?
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No
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Double Gloucester?
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No
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Cheshire?
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No
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Dorset Bluveny?
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No
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Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq
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Port Salut, Savoy Aire
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Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest
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Bres Bleu, Bruson?
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No
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Camembert, perhaps?
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Ah, we have Camembert, yes, sir
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You do, excellent
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Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny
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Oh, I like it runny
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Well, it's very runny, actually, sir
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No matter, fetch hither
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The fromage de la Belle France, mwah
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I think it's a bit runnier
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Than you'll like it, sir
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I don't care how fucking runny it is
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Hand it over with all speed
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Oh!
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What now?
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The cat's eaten it
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Has he?
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She, sir
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Gouda?
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No
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Edam?
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No
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Case Ness?
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No
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Smoked Austrian?
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No
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Japanese Sage Darby?
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No, sir
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You do have some cheese, do you?
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Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got
100
No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess
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Fair enough
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Uh, Wensleydale?
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Yes
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Ah, well, I'll have some of that
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Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir
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Mister Wensleydale, that's my name
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Greek Feta?
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Uh, not as such
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Uh, Gorgonzola?
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No
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Parmesan?
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No
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Mozzarella?
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No
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Paper Cramer?
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No
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Danish Bimbo?
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No
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Czech sheep's milk?
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No
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Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
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Not today, sir, no
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Aah, how about Cheddar?
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Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir
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Not much call, it's the single most
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Popular cheese in the world
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Not 'round here, sir
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And what is the most
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Popular cheese 'round here?
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Illchester, sir
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Is it?
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Oh, yes, it's staggeringly
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Popular in this manusquire
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Is it?
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It's our number one best seller, sir
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I see, uh, Illchester, eh
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Right, sir?
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All right, okay, have you got any?
139
He asked expecting the answer 'No'
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I'll have a look, sir, um, no
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It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
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Finest in the district
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Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please
144
Well, it's so clean, sir
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It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese
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You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir
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Is it worth it?
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Could be
149
Have you, shut that bloody bouzouki up
150
Told you sir
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Have you got any Limburger?
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No
153
Figures, predictable, really I suppose
154
It was an act of purest optimism
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To have posed the question in the first place
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Tell me?
157
Yes, sir
158
Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?
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Yes, sir
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Really?
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No, not really, sir
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You haven't?
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No, sir, not a scrap
164
I was deliberately
165
Wasting your time, sir
166
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going
167
To have to shoot you
168
Right-o, sir
169
What a senseless waste of human life
The Cheese Shop sketch, Monty Python
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