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Twas The Night After Christmas
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Jeff Foxworthy
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1
Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer
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The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler
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The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
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I was camped out on my old La-Z-Boy
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The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife
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The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives
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My wife couldn't argue and neither could I
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So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried
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When out in the yard the dog started barkin'
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I stood up and looked and saw Sheriff Larkin
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He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
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And I got a complaint from a feller named Clause"
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I said, "Clause, I don't know nobody named Clause
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And you ain't takin me in without probable cause"
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Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night"
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I said, "That might've been me, just what's he look like?
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The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly
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That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly
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He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry"
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I said, "That sounds like my wife's sister Sherri"
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"It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said
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"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red
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I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean
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Tell me what you done, and tell me what you seen"
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Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell
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It wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail
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I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten
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I thought that my wife had been drinking again"
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When she walked in from works she was white as a ghost
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I thought maybe she'd seen one of them UFO's
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But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head
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And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red
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Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shutter
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A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter
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Well, my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun
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When outta Red's chimney this feller did run
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And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'
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I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'
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So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands in the air"
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But he went about his business like he hadn't a care
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So I popped off a warning shot over his head
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Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled
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And as he flew off I heard him extort
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"that's assault with intent Roy, I'll see you in court. "I'll tell you what sheriff if you put a subnet"
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On me I won't show up ill hold up in the cellar
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And you'll never rout me outta there
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So why don't you just
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Turn car off come
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In well watch wrestling eat some
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Easter bunny stew and talk about howta catch that tooth fairy
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She's been over here about every other night
Jeff Foxworthy Redneck 12 Days Of Chris...
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