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Sudden Death
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1
I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
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Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
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Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
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And all the girls I know got the big, big breasteses
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I got a ten story mansion on the beach
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With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
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Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
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That to me, Paris Hilton is poor white trash
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I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
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If people **** me off, I can make 'em disappear
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Every time I sneeze, I get a feature on the news
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The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
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And how did I get to be the man that I am?
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A god among men, only without the tan
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It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
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I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
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"Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
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OK
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"Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
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back in the cows"
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Alright
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"Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
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OK
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"Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
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and Regis Philbin"
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Yeah!
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So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
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Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
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It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
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Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
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Doesn't matter, and to be honest, I don't wanna know
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'Cause thanks to him, I've never had to deal with an HMO
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And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
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I tell ya, life is so much nicer with invisible friends
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"Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
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Done, and done.
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"Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
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prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
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OK
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"There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
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Hmm, no, I suppose not.
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"Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
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and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
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you're doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"
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He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
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Thanks to him, I'll never live on ramen noodles again
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And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
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Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
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Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
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And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
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If it seems weird, remember the voice made me do it
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I don't question what he says; I just get up and get to it
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"Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
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and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
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Good idea
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"It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
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If you say so
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"Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
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and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
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and tiptoe around the airport."
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Sounds like fun
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"How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
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to fit down the toilet?"
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I don't know. Let's find out.
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"Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
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Will do
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So to that guy in my head, I just wanna say thanks
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For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
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And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
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And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
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I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duchets
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If it wasn't for him, I'd still be processing McNuggets
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So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
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Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
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"Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
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Yeah!
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"Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
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warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
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pez, and lint."
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With pleasure!
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"If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
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a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
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Yeah, I guess so.
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"Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officer Big Mac
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thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
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You got it!
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"Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
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Oh... do I have to?
crying
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