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Shel Silverstein
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1
I was settin' in Friday's suckin' on a glass of wine,
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When in walked this chick who almost struck me blind.
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She had wet blue eyes and her legs were long and fine;
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On a scale of one to ten, I'd give her a nine.
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Now, on my scale there ain't no tens, ya know.
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Nine is 'bout as far as any bitch can go.
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So I flashed her a smile, but she didn't even look at me,
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So for brains and good judgment I'd have to give her a three.
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I said, "Hey, sweet thing, you look like a possible eight.
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You and me could make eighteen -- if your head's on straight."
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She looked up and down my perfect frame,
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Then said these word that burned into my perfect brain.
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She said, "Well, well, another one of those macho-matician men
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Who grade all women on scales of one to ten.
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And you give me an eight? Well, that's a generous thing to do.
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Now, let's just see just how much I give you.
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You comin' on to me with that corny numbers jive,
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Man -- your style makes me smile, I give it a five.
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When you walked up, I noticed that suit you wore;
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It's a last-year's, double-knit, shiny-ass, frayed-cuff -- I give it a four.
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And that must be your car parked out on the curb;
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That '69 Chevy homemade convertible gets you a three and a third.
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Now, as for your build, I guess it's less than a five,
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Except for your potbelly -- I give that a ten... for size.
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And that wine you're pourin' might be fine to you,
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But I'm used to fine champagne -- I give your booze a two.
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It's hard to tell what your flashin' smile is worth;
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I give it a six -- you could use some dental work.
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But it's your struttin'-rooster act that really makes me laugh;
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It may be a ten to these country hens, but to me it's a three and a half.
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And there really ain't too much to add, once the subtractin's done,
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But since there ain't no zeroes -- I give you a one!"
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Then she walked out, while up and down the line,
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The whole damn bar was laughin'. "Hey, Shel, what happened to your nine?"
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"Nine?" says I. "Hell, soon as she started to talk, I knew
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The bad-mouth bitch didn't have no class -- I barely give her a two.
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Yeah, no matter how good they look at first, there's flaws in all of them.
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That's why on a scale of ten to one, friend...there ain't no tens."
THE WINNER by BOBBY BARE
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