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Daniel Tosh
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And sports needs steroids. It does are you kidding me, oh
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baseball certainly, baseball is a strike away from being
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soccer. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America.
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See our country already has entertainment, so watching
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people chase a ball around for four hours to end zero-
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zero isn't enjoyably unless of course the bleachers
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collapse and half of Europe dies. Or you're watching that
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girl from the University New Mexico. She seems pretty
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competitive. Remember her? She was yanking chicks
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down by the hair, kicking chicks in the pussy. I can only
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assume that her father was in a bunch of gambling debt
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and everything was riding on that game. And she's out
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there, "I'm doing this for you pa," or she really hates
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Mormons, one or the other. Pretty sure they were playing
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BYU.
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Ah, Baseball. Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle
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either, lets hit the ball deep. Don't worry about your
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records either, for every superstar that has done steroids,
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a billion double a boys have juiced up, so the playing field
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is plenty even. Well put an asterisk next to Barry bonds
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name sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's
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name: getting to break record before black people were
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allowed to play. Excuse me, where is that asterisks? Why
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don't people talk about that? I'd love to know how many
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homers the babe would've hit had CC be throwing 92 mile
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an hour sliders. Maybe, the fat boy would've put the cigar
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down and quit pointing had José been allowed to swim 90
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miles to throw him a junk ball. Don't worry if you don't
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follow: 90 miles is the distance from Key West to Cuba,
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José is a stereotypical name for a Latino ball player, and
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a junk ball is an impossible pitch to hit yard any place
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except for the new Yankee stadium, which is a joke.
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The point is the record books might look a little different
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had our country not founded by racists, that's all. And I
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love that in 2010 you're still not allowed to shit on the
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founding fathers. Why not? Screw them. They're a bunch
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of racist fucking pigs with a handful of good ideas. I just
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hope that when they were signing the declaration of
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independence, they shot each other a glance, "all men
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are created equal, you know what we mean. Now get me
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some hot coffee boy."
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At least we not women, right fellas? Jeez. What is that
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like, is it horrible, is it awful, to know you're number 2? By
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the way, these aren't my beliefs; it's my observations on
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the world I live in. If it changes, I'll adjust the material
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accordingly. I like when you try to rationalize it, "No it's
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great being a women, free drinks is worth not having
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equality." Listen, you're in great country to be number
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two, because at least in America its close, right, men are
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here women are here. Some countries it's like this, and
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house cat is right there. That is a bad country to be a
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woman in. Don't' get lost in a hike there, you'll end up on
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YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption
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for that.
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I do think we could be a little less PC when it comes to
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sports though. Just once, I want to hear an announcer go,
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"god black people are fast. Holy cow, All of them, they're
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fast. Back to you Bob." Why don't we say that, we're all
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the same species, got it. If I'm at a horse track and I see
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them cramming Clydesdale in gate 3, uh, I'm not going to
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put my money on it, gonna bet on the thoroughbred,
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preferably one from Jamaica, they've got wheels.
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I don't like Stuart Scott on sports center. If you don't who
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he is, he's a black gentleman that graduated from UNC
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with almost perfect grades. He feels the need to talk hip
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hop for absolutely no reason at all. While he's calling
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plays he'll be like boo-yah. Easy Stuart. First of all, I have
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more street cred than you. Second of all, I have HD
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television and you have one eye. Yeah, it's grossing me
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out. It's eight in the morning, I'm eating egos, I don't want
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to see Cyclops struggling with the teleprompter. Boo-yah.
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Take that to the UK where they embrace ugly people on
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television, not here in America you circus freak. Yeah,
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next time you want to catch passes on the side line, use
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your hands don't let it come to the body, you learn that in
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Pop Warner. I'm aware that I could end the joke at the
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good part, I choose not to.
How Do 90% of Americans Have Jobs? - Dan...
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